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I am a poster girl with no poster....I am 32 flavors and then some
Written at 8:16 p.m. on Monday, Apr. 25, 2005

Wow...this sure has been an interesting last few days.

I spent Saturday just fighting with myself. Repeatedly telling myself "You are worth so much more than you've been allowing yourself". It started with a picture. One of my co-workers had come over a few weeks ago and came across my yearbooks and wanted to see pictures. When I showed him my picture, without telling him it was me, he said "Who's the hottie?" I looked at the picture for a while just thinking, "Yeah, who is the hottie? She had so many dreams and so much promise. Damn, I really feel like I've let her down".

So yesterday, my friend Angel was in town. We went out so she could get a pedicure which was quickly ruined for me by a phone call from Matt. That just sunk me deeper into my little hole. I wont allow him to have an impact on me any more. He doesnt deserve to rent space in my head anymore.

After the nail salon fiasco, I dropped her off at about 6 and promised to meet her at "Cheers #2" for some drinks and karaoke. That was about the time I got a panic attack triggered by a "what the hell am I going to do for 2 hours?" So I decided I had the gas in my car and it had been a long time since I took a long drive. I drove by my old condo that I used to live in with Curtis. I drove by my old apartment that I lived in a short time with him before we split and I moved in with Monique. Its so weird to sit in front of a house you used to live in. Just looking at it remembering all the memories you have. Looking at it and thinking how thst was once your home and such an important part of your life...and now someone else lives there now and making memories of their own. It just had me crying.

After that, I drove down the street to my old friend Maria's house. I couldnt tell if her and her husband still lived there or not. I wanted so badly to remember her telephone number. It wasnt until I drove away that I did. Something about numbers...I am an idiot savant like that. So I called and her husband answered and told me she was in Mexico and coming home later that night. I told him that I didnt care if it was 4 in the morning, please have her call me.

It was finally nearing the time for Angel to get to "Cheers #2" so I started to head over. I sat out in my car for a while listening to cd's. I was sitting in my car when someone had walked to their car beside me. We kinda said the half-assed "Hey, how ya doing?" When she said good, I coudnt help but recognize the voice. So I said "Tracey?" (her name as well). I didnt think she would recognize me, but when I heard "Oh my god, how are you? Oh my god, you've lost like 50 gazillion pounds", I knew she had. That boosted me up right there. I was finally starting to peak my head out of my hole again.

Finally at one point in the night, my friend Maria had called me back. We made promises to get together very soon and hang out. She was glad to hear from me, yet all I could think was how badly a friend I've been for the past two years and letting her slip away.

Today I swallowed it again. I tried desperately to remember my friend Tiffany's phone number. Only after a 411 call did I have it. The savant regressed back to plain old idiot. I called. 3 rings later she answered the phone. It was so nice to hear her voice. I wanted to just jump through the phone and hug her. I apologized for being a bad friend by letting her slip away too. The first question out of her mouth..."How is your health?" I explained how things have been with me. I wanted so much to break down in tears and just blurt out "I feel so alone. Step into my life like you did when Curtis and I split and make everything better like you did then. You were such an important part of my life then...please be that for me again". But I didnt. The glorious thing about her is that I often dont have to say things. She just knows them. So she invited me to go out with her and some friends Friday night and to her birthday party on Saturday.

So this weekend...has been very different for me. Its been a big long walk down a road I once travelled. And that's cool. Because somewhere along the way I got lost, or took a wrong turn, or something. So I'm going back now...picking up little pieces along the way. I knew I had left them there for a reason. Like breadcrumbs so I could find my way home. I'm getting there. And I will get there. Because everyday I pull out that picture and look at that 17 year old so full of life and I just say to her "I'm so sorry I let you down, please forgive me. If you give me just one more chance, I promise to do right by you."

And with everything I've got, I'll hold true to those words...


squint your eyes and look closer
I'm not between you and your ambition
I am a poster girl with no poster
I am thirty-two flavors and then some
and I'm beyond your peripheral vision
so you might want to turn your head
cause someday you're going to get hungry
and eat most of the words you just said
both my parents taught me about good will
and I have done well by their names
just the kindness I've lavished on strangers
is more than I can explain
still there's many who've turned out their porch lights
just so I would think they were not home
and hid in the dark of their windows
til I'd passed and left them alone
and god help you if you are an ugly girl
course too pretty is also your doom
cause everyone harbors a secret hatred
for the prettiest girl in the room
and god help you if you are a pheonix
and you dare to rise up from the ash
a thousand eyes will smolder with jealousy
while you are just flying back
I'm not trying to give my life meaning
by demeaning you
and I would like to state for the record
I did everything that I could do
I'm not saying that I'm a saint
I just don't want to live that way
no, I will never be a saint
but I will always say
squint your eyes and look closer
I'm not between you and your ambition
I am a poster girl with no poster
I am thirty-two flavors and then some
And I'm beyond your peripheral vision
So you might want to turn your head
Cause someday you might find you're starving
and eating all of the words that you said