Latest Archives Profile Notes Guestbook Design D-Land

But you won't get to see the tears I cry...behind these hazel eyes
Written at 6:50 p.m. on Sunday, Jun. 05, 2005

Ignorance is bliss...and honesty is golden. Really, truly...it is.

So I've had the worst weekend ever. And it truly has fucking sucked...big ass.

Honesty time...and I think you know where I'm going with this. Yes, Tracey was stupid again. Yes...AGAIN. So yeah, I'd still been hanging out and doing the Matt thing (*slaps self*). But no more. Basically I've been left for someone else. OUCH!

Yesterday after he left my house, and after having sex, he said he was going to wash his car and come back. That was at 1:30 in the afternoon. Around 6:30 I called his cell...right to voicemail. 45 mins later I called again..."Matt, it's me. Just wanting to know what's going on for tonight. If you're coming back, cool...if not please let m know because I was invited to go out." And nothing.

So my roommate invited me to go out with her to his place to see some cover bands. I was kinda "half-assing" my enjoyment. For the most part, I did have fun. I was already three drinks in...before I even left the house. So I was mildly drunk. It was starting to get late and I was getting tired, so I yawned. A guy passing by told me to wake up. I just laughed and said okay. So he grabbed my hand and took me out on the floor to dance. It was so nice...getting some attention and being noticed. We danced and when I started to get an early hangover, he let me put my head on his shoulder and he rubbed my head. Nice!

We went outside to have a smoke. As we were walking out, he turned around and gave me the biggest hug. He kept telling me how good I smelled...and then he tried to kiss me. I just kept pulling away...used the old "I'm too drunk and I need to sit down". After all, in my mind I had a boyfriend and it wouldnt be right. So we exhanged numbers at the end of the night.

I got home around 2 am. About 2:30 I get a phone call from Matt. Basically he just said he just left "an old" friend's house. When I asked if it was a girl, he said yes. When I asked if anything happened, he said they just kissed. So I had to beg and plead with him to come over at 2:30 in the fucking morning. Now a normal person would wonder why I would even want him there. Simple. I knew if I left it to him, it would be days before he came and got his shit. I couldnt have that. No ties...no lingering. I knew if he came over, he'd have to take it with him when he left. And that's just what he did...came and got his shit and then got the boot. Not before he tried several times to have sex again. I'm sure that his brain isnt really so small as to think I'd ever have sex with him ever again. He asked if we could still be friends. My response..."Are you high? No...no, we arent going to be friends. In fact, take a long, hard look because after today you will never see me again EVER and you will NEVER talk to me again...EVER". He told me if I never wanted to talk to him, I should change my number because he would call me from time to time to see how I'm doing. I told him that I dont want him to call me...that I'm fine...and to take that with him so every time he wonders how I am, just remember "I'm fine". Which I will be.

Now, for today (because it taken me just that long to write this)...

Today...I went out on a date. Damn, it was hard. I mean really hard. I have a friend Ty (the mysterious text message guy) and we went out to dinner. He's very nice but this was WAY too soon for me. The entire night all I wanted to do was cry. When he asked me about my past relationships...again when he started talking about how he couldnt date someone with kids (he said one would be okay, but 3 no way!)...and again when they called Matt party of 2 for their damn table. I had to quickly make an excuse to get out of there. I think I said I needed to get to the pharmacy before they closed. It wasnt entirely a lie. I had called my doctor earlier and asked for a Wellbutrin perscription. I came to the realization today...if I have to be sedated to get through this ride called life, then drug me up and make me feel nothing.

So Ty FINALLY got me back to my car. He said he wanted to take me to Catalina Island this weekend. I said I'd check my schedule and get back to him. He gave me a hug and asked for a kiss. I managed to dodge that by saying I'm old fashioned and dont kiss on the first date. That's complete bullshit. I'm just not ready...I'm so not ready at all. I thought I could do this but I cant.

So I left him and headed to the pharmacy. Of course, you know the radio is not a safe place for me either. The very first song was Behind These Hazel Eyes by Kelly Clarkson. I just about broke down. I started crying...hard. I wanted to cry...I wanted to scream. I think I did both. By the time I got to the pharmacy, I passed a mirror and frightened myself. I looked like I'd just been hit by a Mack truck. Which is how I feel on the inside anyway.

I just want to crawl into my bed, pull the covers over my head and cry myself to sleep. FUCK! I hate this feeling and I havent felt it for a long time. I need this Wellbutrin not to take 2-3 weeks before I start to feel it...I NEED TO FEEL BETTER NOW DAMN IT!

So yeah...now I'm going to go crawl into my bed.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Seems like just yesterday
You were a part of me
I used to stand so tall
I used to be so strong
Your arms around me tight
Everything felt so right
Unbreakable like nothing could go wrong
Now I can't breathe
No I can't sleep
I'm barely hanging on

Here I am
Once again
I'm torn into pieces
Can't deny it
Can't pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up deep inside
But you won't get to see the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes

I told you everything
Opened up and let you in
You made me feel alright
For once in my life
Now all that's left of me
Is what I pretend to be
So together but so broken up inside
cuse I can't breathe
No I can't sleep
I'm barely hanging on

Here I am
Once again
I'm torn into pieces
Can't deny it
Can't pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up deep inside
But you won't get to see the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes

Swallow me then spit me out
For hating you I blame myself
Seeing you it kills me now
No I don't cry on the outside
ANYMORE!.....Anymore

Here I am
Once again
I'm torn into pieces
Can't deny it
Can't pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up deep inside
But you won't get to see the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes

Here I am
Once again
I'm torn into pieces
Can't deny it
Can't pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up deep inside
But you won't get to see the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes

<---|--->