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Written at 3:17 a.m. on Saturday, Jun. 11, 2005

Wow,,,there is so many things I want to write about. Kinda hard to find the beginning.

Yesterday...Oh, who am I kidding? I dont remember what I did yesterday. Oh, I sat on the phone most of the night. I spent nearly an hour on the phone with the girlfriend of my co-worker that died. It was brutally painful. Since she lived next door to him, and the accident happened right out front of their house, she was there minutes after it happened. It was so hard to listen to her tell me how his neck was broken...or how he was bleeding from the mouth...or how the accident happened shortly before 8 at night, yet they didnt remove his body until shortly after 3 am. I cant imagine it. I can only wonder what strength it took to be confined to your home while your boyfriend's body is outside...for seven hours. Anyway, the reason she had called was because she is trying to track down a picture. She has no pictures of him. She particularly is looking for a pictures from our company Christmas party back in December. She said he had this picture on his dresser at home. Its a picture of him, her, me and Matt (since we sat at the table together)...so she was taking a chance that I may have gotten one too. Which as a matter of fact, I do. So I told her I'd make her a copy.

Now on to something not so depressing...

Today I had lunch with my old "Fancy" co-workers. It was nice. a whole bunch of us were planning to meet tonight and go to this bar/club. I dont know what it was as I never made it to the place. We all met at my friend Bill's house. I got there a little earlier than everyone else. So I had a couple of drinks...on an empty stomache. Long story short...everyone went while I stayed behind and fell asleep on the sofa. Let me explain this place first. It was a total bachelor pad with beer bottles everywhere, a toilet that looked like it hadnt been cleaned in a while...and a smell that I just couldnt place. I wouldve left the moment I woke up, but the door had a deadbolt lock so I could only lock the door behind me if I had a key and I didnt want to leave his house unlocked...so I was pretty much stuck there. Thankfully, when I called him he was on is way home...alone. That was my que to get up and get ready to bolt. When he got there, you could tell he was three sheets to the wind. And I could tell by the way he plopped down on the sofa that I needed to be on my way. He mumbled something about being horny and asking me to have sex with. So I got up and headed to the door. I nicely told him, "I am your friend. I'm not going to sleep with you. I need to go home." So I opened the door and peeled as fast as I could to my car. About two minutes later my cell phone rang. It was him. I knew either he was going to drunkenly try to talk me into coming back (not a chance in hell) or he was going to apologize. Either way, leave a message. When I finally got home, I listened to it..."Sorry for being a jerk. Have a good night."

I was talking about this night earlier with another friend there. How I felt so out of place, but not necessarily in a bad way. Bill had about 15-20 people over tonight and they were mostly 21-23 year olds...with the exception of like 4 or 5 people. So I was telling my friend Gino how I had nothing in common with these people...they are so young. And maybe it wasnt really their age, but just the way they acted...the girls all giggly and the guys all drunk. He was telling me it was all in my head, that I am only as old as I feel and I could feel 21, 22, 23 if I really want to. I tried explaining to him that I like feeling like 29 year old Tracey that is very responsible, pays her bills on time, goes to work everyday...and in a somewhat sane mentality, would never be here. I shouldve stayed home. Life's lesson learned.

I keep trying to push myself and I cant do this. I keep trying to force myself to get over this feeling that I have that I cant quite explain. I am trying to get over something that is going to take more than a few nights out to get past. Dont be mistaken...I in no way whatsoever want him back...I just want all the pain to go away and I just dont know how to do it. Yeah I know its going to take time, but I just cant get time to move fast enough. I cant get it to fast forward to a time and a place were this is all just a bad memory and I'm happy again. I have spurts here and there where I'm not as sad and hurting...they are few and far between.

I decided today that I needed to get out of here for a little while. So I booked a flight to Seattle for a nice 5-day weekend on the 4th of July weekend. I think that being around some family right now is essentially what I need right now. To get away from here for a while, see family and have someone take care of me for a change. To just be able to breathe again.

So its late here now. And all I want to do is take a shower and go to bed. Maybe if I do it right, when I wake up it'll be Monday.

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