Written at 11:13 a.m. on Wednesday, Sept. 14, 2005
Oh, I've got alot to say now...
Everyday I am amazed by people's kindness and also their unkindness. Both of them continue to intrigue me.
I like to think I am a good person. I dont lie, I dont cheat and I dont steal. However being that I have been lied to, cheated on and stolen from more times than I care to remember has left me with, well, little faith in people. Decreasing more and more every day.
See, I went ahead and got myself in a bit of a pickle. I dont have enough money to get into this apartment this weekend. Its not that I'm careless, far from it. Its just hard paying rent (full month's worth) on two different apartments and also the deposit for the new place. I've been scraping. So I tried to rationalize to myself that I may have to allow Matt to stay one month just so I can get caught up. I really didnt want to. Its not worth the headache. And last night he proved me right. He will always be this worthless SPONGE that drains a person financially and mentally until they basically have become so drained that there is nothing left to them. I've felt like a hollow shell of a person for the past three years. Last night was enough to make me snap out of it and tell myself that I'd rather sell my body on the corner than ask him for anything. He doesnt allow a person to feel good about anything especially themselves. He will swoop down like the buzzard that he is and pick away at you until there is nothing left and you are no longer of any use to him.
My roommate called me on my way into work this morning. I havent physically seen her since Saturday and she wanted to call and say happy belated birthday. She also told me that she heard my argument last night. I was so embarassed. Mostly because I know I look like an asshole for putting up with it. I've clung to the hopes that he just might change for the past three years. He wont change, so I have given up entirely. I had given up a long time ago and be it not for the fact that I am entirely tapped out, I wouldnt give him the time of day...and he knows it. But after last night, I can no longer for any reason continue to put myself through this. Its just not worth it for any reason. I kinda scared myself the other day. I thought I had gotten rid of the anger inside me, but he managed to bring it right back. I was so angry the other day that I just snapped. I found myself sitting on the corner of my bed so angry that I started crying and screaming...so angry that I just started punching my legs. And that is just not me. I never take things out on myself like that. It really scared me. And made me realize I need to get far, far away from this man. Every word that comes out of his mouth is poison.
So I woke up this morning with this realization that I need to put my words into actions. I need to gather my resources and come up with an answer on my own. I had no idea how. I am meeting my aunt for lunch today. I thought about asking her. But how do you tell someone "I know I havent seen or talked to you in two years, but can I borrow some money?" That just isnt right. I am not that kind of person either. But pride needs to take a backseat to my well-being here. I really dont want to ask her, I just dont. But if that falls through, which I'm sure it will, a co-worker has offered to lend me money. I hate that I am asking anyone for anything. But I need to be a realist here...I need a place to live. My survival is the only important thing to me right now. It just has to be. Its nice to know that hopefully I wont need it, but its there if I do. Sometimes I am overwhelmed by other people's kindness. I'm just nt used to it.
So with that being said, I'm going to lunch in a little while. This should be interesting. I made two phone calls. One to my aunt confirming that I will be at P.F. Chang at 1:00. The other was to him. "Your stuff is in boxes and bags on my patio. Please pick it up by the time I get off work. I just need you to disappear."
I have no feelings for him. I just thought that I needed him. I was very wrong. I dont need him. Makes me wonder how I could've ever cared so much about someone so meaningfully evil. I could beat myself up for hours wondering. All I can do is go from here. Feels like the walk I've taken a dozen times before. The only difference is, this time I will never look back...ever again.