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Can you help me, I'm bent...I'm so scared that I'll never get put back together
Written at 11:58 a.m. on Saturday, Sept. 24, 2005

I am losing my niceness. Hell, I may never have had it to begin with. But if it ever was there, it sure is slipping away more and more everyday. Does that mean at 30 I've become that bitter, jaded lady? I knew turning 30 was going to be a bad thing.

I feel so...crumpled up. Like I was this nice flat piece of paper and someone has picked me up and just crumpled me. I have a friend that used to tell me, "Trac, you keep getting bent. And every time you bend, you may be able to straighten it out, but you can never fully get it back to the way it was. And one day I'm afraid you'll bend so much that you wont even remotely be what you are now." I think he's right. He's one of the very few men that really know me. I hate when other people know me better than I even know myself.

Is he right? Will I never be able to be the way I was before ever again? I would hate for that to be true. I've been unhappy for so long that I dont know if I remember how to be happy. I've almost made a life of it. Its "you cant change other people". right? But what about yourself?

I dont want to be this person anymore.