Written at 5:09 p.m. on Sunday, Oct. 09, 2005
I broke down and had lunch with Matt today. I didnt really want to, but I thought "it's just lunch, right? It cant be that bad". Why can I never get things right?
We went down to TGIFriday's down the street. It was really nice...until he opened his mouth. That's usually the way that it is with him. I always used to tell him that he was like a baby...so cute while he's sleeping that I just want to squeeze and hold him then he wakes up and starts making noise (talking) and I just want him to go back to sleep. Its funny how some things never change. I was told the same about myself...I'll never change either.
When they came to take our order, I asked for a special request and changed around my order a little. I thanked the waiter and he walked away. When he brought our plates, I thanked him again for letting me change aound my order. "Why are you always thanking people? You come off so fake". Ouch! I knew it wouldnt take long to get my first insult. No, I'm not fake...just polite. If I come off as fake, oh well. That's me and I'm not changing. He thinks its fake only because he's only seen the person stifled by those four walls...he's never really seen me outside of them to know anything different. I realized today, maybe I realized it before just not consciously, that I was so lonely and depressed when I was with him. Just like the toy that was forgotten when Christmas came and other excititing things replaced it. That toy that sat on a shelf and if I was lucky he'd take me down and play with me for a little bit. But most of the time, I sat there lonely. A Velveteen Rabbit that only now feels life. Kinda sad looking back on it.
Sitting there at the table, I could only look at him and wonder what kind of beer goggles I had been wearing for those three years. There was nothing attractive about him now. Nothing. Listeneing to him talk was like listening to a cat getting his tail stepped on. Painful. Almost everything that comes out of his mouth is mean and hurtful. So many times I wanted to get up and walk away from the table. The only thing that comes out of his mouth is poison. Like a dart with no real destination...any target will do. And I'm just not the person that I used to be. Sometimes change is good. She was getting poisoned everyday. Her spirit slowly being killed everyday.
So he dropped me off and headed out to go pick up his daughter. Something about school stuff. I just now sat here thinking about something after that sentence that I was about to write. And I thought, if I write it I will sound just like him. Even being around him a short time has me regressing back to that bitter jaded person. He wont get the satisfaction...even in written words that he'll never read.
After he left, I came in and watched some of the stuff I tivo-d but hadnt gotten around to watching. 13 Going on 30 and Under the Tuscan Sun. I have seen both movies already before. They both left me feeling the same thing...dont change a thing, Tracey. You are walking the path you were intended to take. You may stumble a little off track every now and then...that is going to happen from time to time. Just keep remembering where it is that you are trying to get to. If you dont lose sight of it, you will indeed get there.
And my favorite line from Under the Tuscan Sun...Regrets are a waste of time. They are the past crippling you in the present.
I have no regrets.