There was nothing in the world that I ever wanted more than to never feel the breaking apart ... All my pictures of you
Written at 7:58 p.m. on Wednesday, Nov. 02, 2005
I tried to make a list of all of the things in my life that I dont like and want to change. After a while I realized that I may be compiling that list all night. Let's just bottom line it and say it was getting kinda long.
But sitting here, I started wondering if there was anything that I wouldnt change. I could only come up with one thing. And it so outweighs a hundred things on the other list.
And its that I really am in a whole different place than where I used to be. Gawd, I started thinking about how very unhappy I used to be. And how I feel so much better, about everything, since I moved into my new place and got the hell out of that relationship. I think it was literally killing me slowly. And I couldnt see it then, but OH can I see it now. Its so much better without him.
Its so much better without someone in your face, pointing out your every flaw. I never got the "Wow, Trac. You've lost 130 pounds and I'm proud of you". No, I got the "Wow, Trac. You've still got a little more way to go". It really tweaked my self esteem...alot. I was more confident when I had the extra 130 pounds. Kinda sick, eh?
There were times he would try to tell me how dangerous his job was. And for a while there, every time he left for work, I secretly thought about how much easier it would be to just get a call that he was injured at work and had died. To me it was easier than having him come home. It was easier to have him leave because of something I had no control over, something out of my hands, because I never thought I'd be strong enough to leave. How healthy can that be?
As I was unpacking boxes last weekend, I came across a package of pictures. It was so ironic that it happened to be of pictures I took of Matt...and Greg...four years ago. And a laughed a little at the fact that they looked so much I like. They really did. And I laughed a little more when I saw the picture I took of Greg sleeping. I started thinking about how I felt I was "sticking it to him" by being with Greg while we were together. I felt justified. If he got to go home to the mother of his two kids every night, then I didnt really see why I had to be faithful. He would swear that he was and he was just there for the kids. How many times have you heard that line? I call "Bullshit" on that one.
But seriously. I looked at the pictures of him and barely recognized him. He looks nothing like that any more. I know its been four years. But he didnt look like the guy I had been living with for the last three years. And it wasnt just his hair getting more grey or anything like that. It was his spirit. Somewhere along the way, his spirit had been broken. There isnt a doubt in my mind, it was when his ex took off with their kids and for 6 months he didnt know where they were. And it changed him considerably. Broke him irreparably. The guy I had been with for the better part of the last 4 years was not the guy in the picture.
The guy in the picture would take me out for dinner and drinks all of the time. He would buy me little "just because" gifts and leave them in my car for me to find later. He would spend hours sitting on my sofa talking...there because he wanted to be there, not because I was the person providing food, clothing and shelter. The guy in the picture was someone I liked being around. Someone I could rely on. The person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. Someone that has ended up on the complete opposite end of the spectrum. If she wanted to screw him up, she succeeded.
So in a way, I got that 2 am call that I wanted. Because to me, the person in the picture stopped living. And one day, sometime when I wasnt looking, he became this monster of a person. It must've happened overnight, because I never saw the transition. Dr. Jeckyl became Mr. Hyde, except he never would toggle back to the good guy. It really was like mourning someone who was dead...every day...for three years.
God, I would never trade the way things are now for the way they were. I would never want to go back to that again. And just thinking about it, I can feel myself getting warmer and my chest tightening.
I am in such a better place now.
There's no place like home...