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Written at 5:30 p.m. on Thursday, Dec. 01, 2005

I called in sick to work today. I almost had to go in anyway. Thankfully a co-worker called as I was just getting ready to walk out the door to go. He said he was almost at the office and I didnt need to come in.

I still had to go and get my shot. I was laying in bed thinking that maybe I could get my shot tomorrow, but I know me. If I didnt get up and do it now, then I might not do it at all. It wasnt too bad. It also gave me a chance to find the fastest route from my new apartment to the freeway. I am so thankful I dont have to use the freeway to get to work. People in California...they drive horribly.

I came home and was feeling a little better. I decided I was finally going to get around to getting my pictures unpacked and put out. I decided to switch out alot of the pictures in the frames. I found a packet of pictures I got from my family a few years ago when I was back east for Christmas. It made me a little sad because they're so far. And my grandparents are getting older and my grandfather is going through chemo treatments for cancer in his liver. And I want so badly to be able to be there. I'm a dreamer, but I am more of a realist. I have a job, a plethora of health problems...and a cat that keep me pretty shackled here.

I put alot of nice pictures in frames on my long sofa table in the living room. It had been empty and needed something there.

There's a picture of my dad, my aunt and my uncle when they were small kids. There's also a picture of me and my dad a few years before he died. It was taken on our patio with the trees behind us. It must've been taken in the fall because the trees are full and bright yellow like the season was changing. Gawd, I really miss seasons.

There is a picture of my greatgrandmother, my grandmother, my mother and me. A four generations of women picture. My greatgrandmother was amazing. She was born in 1904 and lived through so much. She died in 1991, a month shy of my 16th birthday. I was old enough, so I have alot of memories of her.

Then there's a picture of my grandparents the day they were married. Its my mom's biological parents. They divorced and my grandmother remarried. Both of them were very much a part of my life, but its my stepgrandfather that I really consider my grandfather.

I dont know if it makes me feel better or worse to have them around. It makes me feel better when I can look at a picture and remember the day it was taken or how beautiful my grandmother looked on her wedding day. It makes me feel worse when I think of how long its been since I've seen them and even worse when I think of how I'll never again see some of them. But I guess overall it makes me feel better.

So that's how I spent my afternoon. Rummaging through boxes and closets trying to unpack what I want out and putting away the stuff I want to keep, just put away.

One of the things I found that I am going to have to find a nice frame for is a picture I made for my dad in 1981. It was in a frame, but somehow after the fire all that came out was the picture. That's okay, that's the important part. Its a cute little poem about being little and leaving fingerprints on everything and one day when I'm big you can look back and see how small my fingers were. And it has my handprints in paint on it. My hands were so tiny. Life was so innocent for me then.

Thats why I've been digging around in boxes. I keep EVERYTHING. And its nice to pull something old out and think about the what's and where's of all these little things. I know someday I'm going to be old and my memory isnt going to be as sharp as it is now. I'll have something to remind me. I know its kinda silly.

That's also kinda the reason I keep this journal going. Four years later, I dont remember everything but I can go back and read it and remember it all over again.

Well enough of my rambling. Just like 'what goes up, must come down', well 'what is pulled out, must be put back'. So I've got my evening pretty planned out. A long one at that. Better get a move on.