Written at 9:39 a.m. on Thursday, Dec. 08, 2005
I think I may have a date tonight. I think so, but I'm not quite sure.
Its the cute guy that I was talking about a few weeks ago. Since my company and his company do business, its been more of a hush-hush kinda thing. Even though there really hasnt been anything going on.
Anyway, yesterday he called. He said that he'd be in the area today for work and mentioned getting together tonight. I guess my time slots to choose from are 5-8:30 or 9:30 til whenever. I think I'll opt for the earlier one.
He's a totally nice guy and extremely good looking. But, and there's always a but...but he has things to work out before I'll go down that road again. He has children. Normally, that would bother me, but his are like 16-17. So that is good. Part one of my hesitation comes from the knowledge of knowing he is still legally married. Again, wouldnt be that bad normally. Other half is...they still live together. Oh, hell no.
There is no way in the world I would ever go through that again. I just cant do it. I cant go out with someone and have alot of fun, but at the end of the night say goodbye and send them off to another woman. I did that with Matt and swore I would never do it again. It was the whole foundation of our relationship and the main reason there was no trust there. If that one thing hadnt been part of the beginning, it would have changed the entire chemistry of our relationship. There wouldnt have been so much doubt...so much distrust...so much hurt. I never got past that, no matter how much time went by. It wouldnt have made it work, but it would've given it much better odds.
Oh, and these kids are 16-17. The "we're only together for the kids" doesnt work for kids that old. There is no reason that they should still be living together. Absolutely none. So we'll be friends.
And the Matt thing, with the investigator...he was saying that they told him that we may need to go to anger management classes or counseling. If they want that, they can just lock me up now. The last thing I want to do is go to anger management classes with him. Or sit in front of a counselor with him talking about crap I'd rather forget.
I need to let go of the anger. Its not doing me any good. It took me 15 years to let go of the anger I had for my stepfather. It was my mother who squashed that. She asked me what benefit I get out of it. I'm not hurting him. I'm only hurting myself. Makes sense.
I need to be more at peace. All around. I've got nothing in my life right now that should cause me stress. I think because I had been so unhappy for so long, that's all I knew how to be. I'd forgotten how to be happy. Now I have to almost consciously keep in a good mood. Hopefully eventually it wont need to be so consciously.