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Written at 11:41 a.m. on Tuesday, Dec. 20, 2005

"You seem irritated today" translates to "You're being a bitch today".

I think I am going to take the advise of a very wise, older woman that came into my office today. She was delivering Christmas presents and we got to talking about things. I think things are about to change in a very positive way for me. They just have to. I'm getting tired of my life either being stagnant or going in a direction that I dont want it to. And only I have the control to change that.

For the most part, I am content. Normally content would be a good thing, but in this case it makes me feel like I've settled and possibly could've had better. I dont want to just be content anymore...it just doesnt seem like its enough anymore. My mother has always said, "Familiarity breeds content". And I just now understand how very true those words are.

I dont have many things to complain about. I (finally) have a wonderful boyfriend...and a wonderful apartment that I dont have to share...and I make good money. There are just a few things that I'd like to tweak a little bit.

I've been saying this for a long time, but I really need to get back to school. Not only will it expand my options in the long run, but it also forces me to get up and get out. I was thinking that one class, perhaps on a Saturday, would be a good start. Even if its a little, meaningless class. I'm not talking about a pottery class or anything like that, but a nice English/writing class would be nice. I used to love Saturday mornings when I would get up and go to my writing classes.

I also really need to get back to the gym. Every day I feel like I'm deteriorating more and more. Not that underneath it all I was healthy, but I felt better when I had an extra 130+ pounds on me than I do now. Its a good thing that I lost it and all because I couldnt run a treadmill right now if I wanted to. I've been trying to take better care of myself, but it doesnt seem like its enough. I want to wear all my cute little shoes...and go for long walks...just feel like a semi-normal person. So today, I FINALLY filled out the form the doctor gave me to start on those new shots. I cant say I'm doing everything I can if I've been sitting on a perscription for two months that could really make a difference in my quality of life. I just dont want to feel so...breakable.

And that's how I feel about it all. I really cant bitch and complain when there are so many things I can do to change it. I really do have so many options for so many different things. Only I have the power to change them, right? Every passing minute is another chance to turn it all around.


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