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Written at 9:18 a.m. on Wednesday, Dec. 21, 2005

The closer I get to Christmas, the more I feel my chest tightening.

Last night Charlie asked me if I want to go to his father's house for Christmas. I do, but I don't. I told him that he didn't have to take me, he can go without me. His reply, "Are you kidding? I would never leave you here alone while I go off to his house for Christmas. We both go...or we both stay home." So I guess we're going. I would never keep him from Christmas with his family.

I just wish I was meeting his family on some other day. Any day but Christmas would be nice. Its just the pressure of it all. Trying to make a good impression. Trying not to stick out like a sore thumb. Remembering at dinner to start with the fork on the outside and work my way in. Watching alot of tv does pay off sometimes. No, its not the etiquette that is a problem. I think I have very good dinner etiquette. It just boils down to making a good impression.

Parents. I've always had a hard time with them. My ex...his father was awesome, but we only saw him once or twice a year. His mother...drove me absolutely crazy and I had to deal with her once or twice a week. For example, she would invite us to come for Thanksgiving and ask me to make a green bean casserole, yet that would be the one dish that she wouldn't serve. I gave up on her long before I gave up on my ex.

I'm just really nervous about going over this Sunday. I have no idea what to expect. I know nothing about them or what they're like.

I'm not ready for Christmas at all. I have not bought a single gift for Christmas. I need to get something for the Marketing lady in my office. She went out of her way to get me something last year. AND she brought me a little something for Valentine's day too. So I've got to get her something.

Charlie. I still haven't gotten him anything. Last night, he told me that he's already bought my present. I'm having a hard time with him. I haven't a clue on what to get him. I hope it comes to me before Christmas. I took Friday off work to get last minute things done. Last minute makes it sound like I've done a little. Nope. Nothing.

I'm ready for New Year's. And that's about it.