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Its been a long December and there's reason to beleive maybe this year will be better than the last
Written at 11:31 a.m. on Saturday, Dec. 31, 2005

Today is either going to be good...or very, very bad. Either way, tomorrow is going to bring a big change.

He fucked up. He fucked up big time. And the feeling of that disappointment felt all too familiar. It was like dealing with Matt all over again. And the rage and the anger was there also. And I have nice bruises today to show for it. I just freaked out. I did something to my finger when I punched something. I have NEVER done anything like that before. And I'm not going to go through another night like that with him, Matt or anyone else. I dont want to be with anyone...period. Not now, not ever. I really dont want to get this close to anyone ever again.

Which got me to thinking about an IM conversation that I had with an old friend last weekend. I had to save the conversation just to look back at it later on. It really got me to thinking about things.

Vince : hey
mspsyched1: hey
Vince : how r u ?
mspsyched1: good...u?
Vince : good too
Vince : havent heard from u in a while... are u back with ur BF again
mspsyched1: No, you havent heard from me because you were a real ass the last time I talked to you. Boyfriend status has nothing to do with it.
Vince : what do u mean?
Vince : u sure it was me?
Vince : do u remember our last convo?
mspsyched1: Yeah, I'm pretty sure it was you...but whatever, I'm over it. Too long ago.
Vince : u dont even remember and i do ..
Vince : we were supposed to meet up.. it was a sunday but then when i called back u said u were too tired.. i said ok .. another time.. and that was it
mspsyched1: No, that wasnt it
Vince : yes it was
Vince : i remember
Vince : we didnt talk since...
mspsyched1: whatever! Does it really matter?
Vince : i remember cuz i was at the store getting ready to go see u and i was buying some water to go ..
Vince : then i called u to make sure u didnt answer then u called back
mspsyched1: You know, I got onluine to check my email....not argue with you over some thing that happened a long time ago.
mspsyched1: I'm not mad or anything...its in the past
Vince : lol i am not arguing
mspsyched1: then squash it
Vince : iam just letting u know that i wasnt an ass when i last talk to u
Vince : well no i just dont want u to think i was an ass
Vince : honestly i dont think i talked to u since then but whatever.. .
mspsyched1: Yes, exactly...whatever! Squash it already...k
mspsyched1: I'm not mad, but the more you argue back I do. Let it go.
Vince : i did
Vince : so who cant let it go now...
Vince : there u go
mspsyched1: Who's gonna go is me. Ciao!
Vince : lol
Vince : i wonder if i can live
Vince : lol
Vince : cuz everyone knows that withous tracy the world is nothing
Vince : lol
mspsyched1: You know, I am not dealing with this. I am not arguing with you. If you can sit here and be an adult, I'd love to talk to you. If you cant be an adult and F'ING squash it already, then I dont want to talk to you.
Vince : lol i ended it already .. i havent even mentioned it .. and there u go bringing it up again... i said i am over it geeze..
mspsyched1: Apparently not. No hard feelings...I'm gonna go...we can talk later.
Vince : wow ur ex really screwed u up... we used to talk shit all the time...he really did a number on u .. he turned u into a drama queen,,, if thats how u going to be i rather not talk to u no more... he really messed u up.......ever since u started being with him u changed....for the worse and now that he left u ... u are like bitter... anyways i rather not talk to u if u going to continue like u are.. bye
mspsyched1: See, just be a fucking adult. I hard feelings, I'm gonna go and that I'd talk to you later. Now...I really dont want to talk to you later. I just wanted to get online and check my email...not get insulted by you.
Vince : excuse me.. am i the one cursing ?,,,, so who really is the adult
Vince : dont get mad cuz i call it like i see it... and it is true.. ever since u got with him u acted diffrent... i thought over all we were friends.. but u acted like u were all that when u were with him.. yelling at me over the phone when i called trying to act all mean cuz ur bf was there .. that was the start of it all.... i am sure u pissed off many of friends when u were with him....
mspsyched1: Ok, there are two ways to go here. 1) We argue until one of us just gives up and leaves or 2) We just agree to talk another time, forget about this and go on with our days. We've been friends for WAY too long to go out like this.
Vince : yeah well i think it ended long ago .. us being friends.. we are only friends till when it is convieniant for u ... untill u get another bf and then u ignore everyone.. sorry i dont think that is being a friend Tracy... i never treated u like that.. .
Vince : u only talked with me when he broke up with u .. then we talked then he comes back and then u ignore me.. and dont deny it
mspsyched1: If I ever made you feel like that, I'm sorry. It was a really bad time in my life and I'd like to forget about it. I DONT need you throwing it in my face.
Vince : then i come and say hello and havent talked to u in along time and then u come off and say yeah since "I" was an ass.. no sorry .. i am not going to let it go .. after all the way u have acted .. no ..
mspsyched1: then dont let it go...I can only apologize. Its up to you to accept it or not.
mspsyched1: I was in a bad mood when I got here and arguing with you only made it worse.
Vince : i really considered u a friend... but this was the last thing Tracy..... callin me an "ass" for something i didnt do .. .and probably not even realizing the fact how u acted towards me.... but no its cool .. i am not mad .. just more dissapointed... i think we just should stop talking... i think whatever friendship we had it is gone anyways... we known each other for what like 5 years now?.... anways whatever i am sure we both get over it
Vince : good luck with everything really ..
mspsyched1: So, ok...good luck to you too...I sincerely mean that okay.
Vince : i know down inside.. u are a really nice person just got stuck in a bad situation... and prob didnt realise how u treated others ... but anyways good luck
Vince : bye
mspsyched1: I really am sorry...bye then

I dont even know what to say to that. I'm tired of arguing...with anyone. Fact is, he's all butt-hurt that I backed out of our plans to get together, but he didnt call to go out until like 10 pm. I wasnt about driving a half an hour to go see him that late.

It left me wondering if I really am as screwed up as he's telling me that I am. Yes, those 3 years (4 if you count the first time we were together) were very difficult for me. I am positive that they changed me in a very negative way. Bitter, jaded, pick the word and I'm sure it fits. And I'm trying to recover from it still. Its been hard. I'm not as trusting of people as I used to be. I've kinda fallen into the Oscar Wilde theory that...It is best to think evil of everyone until proven differently. Kinda like...expect nothing, never disappointed. And I'm tired of the constant let down.

So as for this new one (Charlie). He's very much like Matt in several ways. No okay, he has always been great. It was just this one thing last night, felt like it had Matt written all over it. He had the attitide that Matt would have. The insults, the lack of respect. This one night reminded me of three years with Matt...all in just one night.

What's worse, and I hate to admit it, is that after it all, at 4:30 in the morning, I had to shrug it off and act like everything is okay. Because truth is, today is New Year's eve and I didnt want to spend it alone. I just dont do the alone thing very well. I guess I'd better learn to accept it, because now its inevitable that I'm going to spend some major time alone. And that is fine with me. Just let me get through tonight.

And I'm trying to find the best way to approach this. I cant really say, "Your behavior last night was so bad that I no longer want to be with you, but can you still hang with me on New Year's". Also, the timing. I dont want to have to be empathetic the entire night and sit there as if nothing has happened. And then out of nowhere tell him after we've finished the night. I am not turning back on this. Our relationship is going to be dissolved. I'm going to have to deal with this at some point tonight.

As for now, the jewelry store just called to tell me that my ring is ready to be picked up. I took it in the other day to redo the setting. So yeah, I have to go get dressed to go pick up a ring that I received from someone I no longer care to be with.

It all just sickens me...