I dont wanna be lonely no more, I dont wanna have to pay for this...I dont wanna know the lover at my door, its just another heartache on my list
Written at 12:27 p.m. on Monday, Jan. 02, 2006
I feel like I have to put words to this frustion or it will just eat me up inside. Being as we havent talked, the words have yet to come out...and I must vent.
This is what happened Friday night. At sbout 7-7:30 at night, he called me and said that he had alot to do at work before he could leave, but said he'd be here "no later than 9". Well, 9 came and he wasnt here. At first I just thought he had alot of work to do. Then 10, 11 came and still nothing. I had called him and left several messages. Finally, at around 11:30-12 he called me. The first thing I heard was noise...followed by "I fucked up". Yes, that he did. He was calling me from a bar. He said the bar down the street from his work. He got irritated that I was getting upset...so he hung up. This is when I punched the arm of the sofa not knowing it was more wood than padding. So it left a nice bruise.
About an hour later he called me back. He said he was leaving and on his way. He also said he was 20 mins away, but being as he had been drinking, he was going to drive carefully which meant 30 mins. 20 mins away? How could that be? He said he was at a bar down the street from his work. Where does he work? Two fucking street lights down the street from my house. There was definately a lie in here somewhere. So I just said to drive carefully and that I'd see him in 30 mins.
But of course, 30 mins went by and he wasnt here. 4:30. 4:30 in the fucking morning he gets here. By this time, I am just heated. All he could say was that he went to his friend's house on his way. And he also said, "I dont need to check in with you, you're not my wife".
I cant do this shit again. I just cant. But as I said before, I just bit my lip and didnt say much since it was New Year's eve. He went to sleep...and I stayed up all night. I couldnt sleep I was that angry. Also, like I said before, he woke up and knew it was done. I was done. Let me not relive the past three years all over again. Its not worth it.
It was so hard sitting here yesterday watching the fucking rose parade with him. It was boring. And by boring, I mean nothing stimulating so my mind started doing its analytical process. And I started getting upset all over again. I could litterally feel my chest tighten up and the feeling that I was getting warmer.
All of the shit I have been through over the past 3 years...and he pulls a fucking "Matt" on me. Matt did that all the time. He would just decide he didnt want to come home that night, and wouldnt. Then the wife comment. That was something he'd say alot. Its like saying...You dont get any special privledges because you arent my wife...but I dont ever want to get married, so you'll never be my wife...so get a big spoon because I'm going to feed you a ton of bullshit. Sorry, I'm still full from the asshole before you.
So this morning, when I knew he was a work, I sent him an email. This is just little snippets of the email...
I hope you know, this isn't what I want...Its just what you've forced me to do. I dont want to let 3 years go by before I realize I need out.
I don't ask for much. Which is good, because I don't get much either. You do absolutely nothing for me. NOTHING.
And it makes no difference, nothing is ever going to change. It only gets worse. And I cant take the constant let down and disappointment that comes with you.
The nail in the coffin was the other night. Just like you said on the phone...you fucked up. You fucked up big time this time. One day, maybe not anytime in the near future, but someday you are going to want to kick your own ass for letting me go.
I love you. I'll always love you. I'll always wish it had worked. And because of that, I cant be your friend. I'll always be that girl hoping that you'll get smart and wake up. And I just cant wait for something that is never going to happen. And you'll find the perfect girl for you. She wont care that you don't come home. She wont care if you don't ever take her anywhere. She wont care that you make her feel like a piece of shit. She wont care that you constantly let her down. And that's the rub...she wont care. She wont care at all. About you, about anything. But neither will you, so I guess it evens it out. There are millions of girls out there looking for something like that. Granted, they're called hookers and you have to pay for them. But that's okay, because you're making a lot of money now. You can afford that.
I'm just going to stop there. It started as a letter of hurt and pain...but quickly turned into anger. I think I got my point across. Which brings me to this...I dont want to be with anyone. Definitely not anytime soon and perhaps not for a very long time. I'm tired of putting my trust in people just to have them knock it down.
I'm so over this. I'd rather be alone. I just keep telling myself...fresh start...again!