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Written at 3:02 p.m. on Tuesday, Jan. 03, 2006

I'm thinking I'm going to sell all my crap and run off with a cult. Preferably one that still beleives in arranged marriages. Because obviously, I'm not doing well on my own.

I love the suggestions I've been getting. Yours by far was the best. Yes, I should pawn all of the jewelry he's given me. I still want to keep his family though. I really liked his dad.

One of my good friends told me today that this was his first offense and I should let him out on "good until now" behavior. I'm not trying to sentence him or anything. What it comes down to is this. I am constantly telling a friend of mine, who wants to leave his wife due to infidelity on her part, that people only get away with what you let them get away with. What that means to me is you've gotta take action the first time and show him or her that you're not playing any games.

And I'm totally not fooling myself into thinking that he is anything like Matt, but I have to admit that if I had nipped it the first time anything had happened, I would have saved myself a three year headache. And I'm not sure I want to give anyone the benefit of the doubt that they wont do it again. I take a no fooling around approach to things like that now. I'm just not wasting my time with guys like this.

One thing my friend did say to me was that being as he has no priors for stuff like this, I should be slightly easier on him yet be firm at the same time. She suggested that I go about like nothing is different, but when he asks for ANYTHING (be it money, his laundry, dinner, whatever) I just tell him, "No, I'm not your wife. I don't do things like that for you." And leave it at a no.

See, that would work if it were just the "wife" comment that upset me. No. More than anything it was not showing up until 4:30 in the damn morning. And also the lie about where he was...down the street or 30 mins away. I don't really care...a lie is a lie.

Another thing that kind of upset me is a comment he made about the letter I emailed him. "You don't write like that at work, do you? Your grammar was horrible." You had misspelled a lot of words. Okay. First, misspelled words have nothing to do with grammar. Spelling and grammar are two very different things. Second, I spell just fine. I am an English major. None of the teachers in my English or writing classes have ever commented on my spelling...or grammar. Third and lastly, who cares about spelling anyway. Spellcheck eliminates the need to even be able to spell CAT. So whatever. He annoys me by using double negatives all the time anyway. He don't know no better. (Just so you know, that was on purpose)

I guess my point is, I've spent the last three years with a beast. A maniac. A liar. Just a plain idiot. He would push me back down whenever I'd try to get up. I don't have that now. No one holding me down. I'm free to live my life the way that I choose to live it. So if someone comes along and shows me even one of the characteristics that I got away from, then it just scares me away completely.

I am nowhere near as angry with him as I've been with Matt. But, Matt was all puppy dogs and rainbows in the beginning too. It just took a dive very quickly. Call it a defense mechanism. I just dont want to be that open and vulnerable again. At least not anytime soon.

Its a double edged sword. Do I forgive him and believe (or at least hope) that he wont do it again. Or just cut him loose completely.