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Eye of the tiger...
Written at 11:23 a.m. on Tuesday, Jan. 17, 2006

Ok, that's about enough R&R for me. I did exactly what I said I was going to do...I avoided people as much as possible. I even left my cell phone in my car. (Which is why I didn't get your call, Angel, until Monday morning...I'll call you tonight)

Tonight I'm going to the mall with Charlie to buy some stuff. Maybe if I pout enough, I'll get him to buy me something. I think it will definitely be good for me to get out and walk alot. Gotta keep moving.

I also have alot of hopeful stuff I'm going to try to see if it helps any. There are so many things I'm going to try. There is this one, almost homeopathic, drug that I've heard is the one drug I should definitely be taking. I looked it up on the internet and it left me a little more hopeful than I probably should be. But then again, isn't that what you're supposed to be...hopeful? What I've heard and read is that this makes it invisible almost. If I can possibly get this to where its undetectable (nothing on MRI's), than I'd never wish for another thing again. I'm tired of letting this run my life.

Also, more than anything I want to get out tonight and huff it around the mall with him tonight. I know this isn't going to come out right no matter how I say it. And it wasnt said to me in a mean hurtful way at all, but I'm tired of him using this as an excuse not to go out places. "You want to stop alot and you're always tired and you have a hard time sometimes". Well that's about to be over with.

I'm to the point where I will do whatever it takes. I'm tired of the constant reminder. The first two years were great for me. I never felt sick or different, so I'd always forget that there is anything wrong because it was something I never thought about. I felt so normal that it was hard to believe anything was wrong because I felt so normal and good. I need that back.

I also think its the reason for my attitude. Why I'm always in a bad mood. Its like being a nasty old person 50 years too early.

So that's my plan.