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If you see me walking by and the tears are in my eyes...look away, baby, look away
Written at 10:41 a.m. on Monday, Jan. 23, 2006

Another Monday is here. And as always, I saw it coming but still was not prepared for its arrival. But all in the same breath, I was glad to see the weekend come to an end.

Yesterday was aggravating beyond words. He got his papers in the mail. What the woman failed to tell me (or him) when she called me the other day, Thursday I think, was that his court appearance was the 17th. That was two days before her phone call to even tell me that charges were being pressed against him. That hardly seems fair. Granted, he doesn't deserve any fairness, but if my peace only comes with his fairness...then lets make it a table for two. Because he made my Sunday annoying.

He called me yesterday. I could hardly say it was even a conversation. It went more like..."I just want you to know that there are warrants out for my arrest"...(hang up)...(call back). This went on for a while before I came to this epiphany that this was the very reason I got away in the first place. There is absolutely no sane reason that I need to deal with crap from him even on a small scale. I just called him back and left him a message...if you can be an adult, call me back...if you cant, than please dont call me at all.

I understand where his anxiety about this comes from. But when you peel back all the layers, bottom line is that this wouldn't even be happening if he were an adult in the first place. So I dont really feel all too sorry for him. In fact, personally I think he deserves far worse than anything they could do to him.

I totally see now why people disappear. Why they get up one morning and just walk away from everything. Just vanish from every part of their lives. I can see how that becomes an option to some people. Driving into work this morning as I passed by both freeway on ramps, I thought about how it would feel to just get on the freeway and walk away from everything. I also wondered about how far it would be before I realized that this was a stupid idea. I'm thinking San Francisco...maybe. Unfortunately, that isnt a luxury that I could even contemplate doing. I have way too much holding me to my life. I guess that's the part that hurts most.

But I'm determined to get things good again. Because things are very askew right now. I've been physically feeling better. And I'm going to ride that wave out for as long as it takes me.