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Written at 12:22 p.m. on Tuesday, Feb. 07, 2006

Its been a crazy past few days. That is to say the least.

Saturday "S" came out for a visit. We had lunch and then went to look at motorcycles...for him. I dont see myself even getting on one of those. But it was nice to go looking at them.

I dont know what I'm going to do about him. I really dont. He is so nice...and so cute...and full of ambition...but he's wanting a little bit more than I can give him right now. I dont want to take him back to my apartment. I dont want him to spend the night. And I dont want to spend the night at his house either. I just want to move at a steady pace here, but he's fighting me every inch of the way. All I'm asking for is the oppurtunity to get to know him a little better before any of these things happen. I dont think its outrageous of me not to want some dude that I've only been out on two dates with to spend the night at my house.

And the calm after the storm was I agreed to come out and visit him on Wednesday. I got a message from him saying it would be better (for me was his excuse) if we went out Friday night instead of Wednesday. In his words..."It is more of a date night. Oh, and I can spend the night at your house to go to my class down the street from your house Saturday morning". I'm just afraid that if he doesnt ease up a little bit, its going to push me entirely away. And I dont want to do that, but at the same time I need him to not be as adamant about things as he has been. I dont want to say, "I dont even know you" to him and get "Yes you do. If I was injured and someone said 'Do you know this man?' You would have to say yes" as a response. I just dont think he gets it. They usually dont.

I was at jury duty yesterday, so it gave me a chance to step away from everything for a little bit. One day to just step outside of myself. I went in, sat down, opened my book and listened to my Ipod all day. I didnt have to think about anyone or anything. What it boils down to is this...I want to be left alone for a while. I dont want, neither personal or business related, anyone on my back about anything. Period. I always feel like I already have enough weighing me down. No man or job is worth the added trouble.

I just feel so...downward spiral right now. Like on of those leaves I remember playing with when I was younger, we called them helicopters. You could throw them in the air and just watch them spiral. It seemed like forever before they would hit the ground. That is the best way to describe how I feel right now.

I didnt like coming back to work this morning to find my desk ransacked and new ways to do organize stuff. (Just to make you laugh Angel, all of my FedEx receipts were hole-punched and put in a binder...not in the acordian file that you had started putting them in) Its okay. Because I'm Tracey...and I almost always have a back-up plan.

So here I am today...back at work. And people always think things are about them. That everything is a direct action towards them. I need tomorrow off too. I have that court thing with Matt. And instead of it being something that is just accepted, it being looked upon almost like I am just taking another day off work for no reason. So when I explain that it is another court thing, totally seperate from my jury duty and the timing is just a coinsidence, I shouldnt have to pour it all out like the fucking 6 o'clock news. It should just be..."Hey I have over 50 hours of vacation time. Can I use 8 of them tomorrow?", "Sure thing, Tracey. These are your vacation hours to use how you want" and that be that. It shouldnt be this huge ordeal.

Then there is the place that sends me my shots. I talked to them over a week ago to arrange a delivery for today. They waited until yesterday to call me to tell me I had no refills and they were waiting for authorization from my doctor. I need this to be here by Thursday, so waiting for all this will probably have me late on this week's shot. But that's no one's problem but mine so why should anyone else worry about it, right.

I just want to go home and crawl back into my bed and just stay there. I have to, sometime today, go to the liquor store up the street. John, the owner, happened to be at my jury duty yesterday and gave me $20 when he found out that I parked in the wrong parking garage and my parking wasnt going to be validated. It was incredibly nice of him to do, so I want to make sure he gets paid back right away.

I really, really need a real vacation.