But what I want, what I want to say...is listen here my friend, I cant continue to pretend that its alright...no matter what we get, we never find our happiness...aint that a crime?
Written at 11:24 a.m. on Wednesday, Mar. 01, 2006
I am so freak'n tired of dealing with people. Really, I am.
I cant explain how many emails I have received from Matt. Mostly about this court thing next Monday. I am so tired of hearing about how this is my fault. No, its not my fault. And I am so done with dealing with him. He's lucky I'm willing to go in there and try to stand in his defense. If he doesnt leave me alone, I'm going to walk in there and get his ass thrown in jail. Which very well may happen regardless. I used to kinda feel bad about all of this, but I'm over the guilt.
I feel ready to shut down entirely. Turn off my phones, stay off the internet and just cut the world off for a little bit. Its like shutting down and rebooting so to speak. I just feel like I need to lay low and regain some energy before I'm forced to deal with anything or anyone. I can totally see now how and why people sometimes drink their lives away. Sounds tempting.
Today Im going out to lunch with "E". I am not sure how I feel about going. I mean, we're always two ships passing in the night. He seems to be very centered and has things together. But I would never even consider trying to date someone who lives with his two kids...and ex-wife. Oh, hell no. I already have enough issues and that would only bring on a whole new set. So my goal is...no man = no problems.
Is that bad? I know it isnt at all and that I should take some time ALONE to re-gather everything. But damn, will this sick feeling in my stomache every time I think about getting into a relationship, being close to someone ever go away? I know it eventually will. I mean, even the thought of kissing someone makes me want to vomit. I dont want to sound like a romantic atheist or anything, but I'm not far from it.
I've been in California for about 11 years. First 6 with Curt, last three were with Matt. That leaves only a little over a year in between. I remember how difficult it was to get through it the first time. I was totally screwed up afterwards. If you had asked me what my favorite flavor of ice cream was, I wouldnt have been able to tell you. I had lost so much of my identity with Curt that it was a long road back when we split. Then with Matt...it totally turned me in to someone I'm not. Enough said. So I will avoid that third strike out as much as possible. I am petrified at the very thought. And hearing, "Oh, you're not with Matt anymore? Then lets go out one night", just makes my head want to spin in circles and green goo spew out of my mouth. See the common theme here? If you dont, its nausea.
nau·se·a ( P ) Pronunciation Key (nôz-, -zh, -s-, -sh)
1. A feeling of sickness in the stomach characterized by an urge to vomit.
2. Strong aversion; disgust.
Yeah, that's my definition too! I couldnt describe it any better.