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Written at 11:09 a.m. on Monday, Mar. 06, 2006

I am halfway through my four days off work. And if the next two are anything like the last two, you can send me back now.

Lets see. Saturday was nice. Again, I just blended up Margaritas and had a friend over. Nothing all that exciting. Watched some movies and had dinner.

Yesterday, I stayed home and cleaned my house. I'm not sure exactly what happened, but I guess my foot fell asleep and I didnt know it. So when I stood up, I just tipped right over. Now I have this huge bruise the size of a softball on the side of my foot. I'm a big clumsy ass.

Today. Oh, today. I got to the courthouse around 8:00 and looked at the court calendar in the lobby. Sure as anything, there was his name. So we went up to the courtroom and checked in. I also pulled the bailiff aside and asked him if I could address the judge. He said he'd do what he could and told me to go sit down. He said the DA would probably want to talk to me anyway.

Finally, it felt like forever but was probably more like 30 mins, they called his name. He went up and asked the judge if he could have another week to arrange for a lawyer. She told him that he can still have his arraignment today or come back in a week from today for it. He told her next week and the bailiff said, "You're free to go." So we walked out to the elevator.

About ten seconds into the hall, the mood switched and it was my fault for not saying anything to the judge. I see it like this: 1) I asked if I was able to address the judge. The bailiff never gave me full permission or informed me if and when I could. I'm not going to just stand up and start talking. You see people all the time being escorted out for shit like that. 2) This was your arraignment. You asked to postpone it and come back next week. Again, this was your fucking arraignment. Do you not know what an arraignment is? Its your actual trial and your chance to speak. 3) I could go on, but its not worth my time.

So like always, I'm the asshole. That's ok, I'll be the asshole. Apparently, I play that part well. "You could've stood up and asked them to drop the charges." No, no I cant. How can I drop charges when I'm NOT the one pressing them? Lets be real here. I most certainly do not have that kind of clout.

So I'm the asshole. That's cool, because I'm the asshole that doesnt need to be here. I'm not the one having three different charges pressed against me. And I knew he'd be like this. If at any point he doesnt feel completely in control, he reverts back to a two year old throwing a nasty temper tantrum. "This is your fault, I'm here because of you." "No, this isnt my fault, you're here because of you. I absolutely refuse to let you hang this on me as my fault. For once, be a man and take responsibility for your actions." Now I just dont care enough to see how this ends.

Now, I'm just home waiting until about 5:00 when the nurse is supposed to come out and show me how to take my new shots. I do not want to have to do this myself. I keep tyring to remind myself that I'm stronger than I think I am. And that if I am ever going to have a fighting chance at this I'm going to need to fight it myself and not have to rely on anyone else. My mantra for the day...You are stronger than this. Stronger than you know. Grab a hold of the wheel and steer it where YOU want to go.

And it helps that it'll be like a diabetic shot. A very small needle in this inject-thingie so I only have to push a button and dont even have to see the needle. God I'm a wimp. You'd think I'd be used to this by now. I've been dealing with this shit for three years now...and the rest of my life still to go.

I think I need to go back to sleep until about 3:00.

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