Written at 9:05 a.m. on Tuesday, Mar. 07, 2006
The nurse lady came out last night. First, let me say that I never give myself credit for much...ever. But today, I am so fucking proud of myself that it hurts.
I really thought I was going to freeze up like I did three years ago when someone came out. I sat there holding a tomato in one hand and the needle in the other just crying and thinking how there was no way I could do this to myself, much less the tomato.
Well, apparently alot has changed in three years. Because this was a freak'n piece of cake. A few blonde moments, but overall just painfully easy. This time I had no problems with the little padded rubber piece that has since replaced the tomato. And surprisingly enough, I had no trouble doing it to myself either. With this inject-thingie I didnt see the needle and I didnt feel it either.
This was very important for me. This truly was the first time in the past 3-4 years that I felt like I had control. That things were in my hands and I didnt have to rely on a single other person for help. I love Monique, but I hated feeling like this pain in the ass every Thursday when she'd have to twist her plans to accomodate coming to give me my shot. Or having to spend my lunch driving to the doctor's office to have them give it to me. Its all on my terms now. And I can do it myself. It sure beats sitting in the bathroom for hours on end trying to conjure up the courage to do it myself. And when I say that I sat there for hours it was always at least three.
And I think the biggest part of this for me lies in feeling hopeful. And that really all of these things I never thought I could do, slowly are becoming second nature to me. Every new thing I overcome feels like an Olympic gold medal (in my case, Special Olympics, but hey).
I will never beat this. I know that. This is something I am going to have to deal with for the rest of my life. At least now I feel like I have a better fighting chance with it. Armed with more.
And I absolutely refuse to let this get the better of me in any way. I refuse to turn my body over...I'm not done with it yet.
This was just the biggest step for me. I think now I'm going to go for a long walk.