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Written at 3:35 p.m. on Monday, Apr. 03, 2006

I hate Daylight Savings time change. It, as always, has thrown off my internal clock. I really just want to crawl back into bed for a few hours.

This weekend went by so fast. They usually do. I didnt really do anything of interest anyway. I managed to get my house organized. I know I say that about every weekend and you'd probably think my house was all organized and clean, but it still needs alot more.

I'm also faced with a moral dilema here. Back in December I went to an Avon thing for Matt's best friend's wife. I dropped about $90-100 and have since only seen about $35 of it back. My dilema I call her (totally unsure of all of the shit that he has told them) or do I just write it off as just another way I've lost out in my investments with him?

I really feel "out of sorts" today. I know I'm irritated by alot, but today I'm particularly irritated by things that normally wouldnt bother me so much. I would love to blame it on PMS or Mercury being retrograde or something. But I fear its just me.

There are about fifty things weighing on my mind right now and I feel as though I'm ready to short curcuit here. And they're all things that if I just took a moment to rationally think about, I wouldnt be so consumed by them. For instance, my friend/coworker wants to get an apartment and inquired about mine. I called them to find out how much they're going for right now and they told me about $180 more than what I'm paying now. Which, of course, has me stressing about my rent going up when my lease expires. Mind you, its not up until September. The rational side of me says that its months off and not to worry about it now. Then there's the neurotic side that cant stop thinking about it. And when I say thinking, I really mean obsessively stressing.

The other example is my doctor. I did finally get my delivery of shots on Saturday. My delivery, however, did not come with any refills. So I called up his office and gave them shit about not wanting to go through this again next month. This was an ordeal to say the least and I barely got it on time. I mean shit, this isnt Vicodin or Codeine or anything I'm addicted to and cant live without. No, this is something I really didnt want to take to begin with. And of course, as my luck has it, he wont be in until next Friday. Not this Friday, but the Friday after that. 12 days from now. Great, now I have 12 days to worry and obsess about it.

I think I really need a vacation badly. I think I am going to try to get a plane ticket to Seattle for Easter weekend. Maybe take a few extra days up there. I really need to go somewhere and not have to think about anything. And for some reason, I only get to step away from reality and its pressures when I go hide out at my family's house. And its generally easier for me to get to Seattle than to get to Baltimore. With my family, they dont let me worry about things. I dont get consumed with Do I have enough cat food or Did I get the electric bill paid or any of that. I can let my mind rest for a while.

I have got to start doing more to let go of the excess stress in my life. Its either irrational or pointless in many instances. Or its just out of my control either way in the rest. I really need to get into Yoga or some hobby or something. This cant be good for me. I do have plans with Lauren Wednesday and Thursday. I'm not sure what we're doing yet, but I'll let her worry about that. One less thing for me to think about.

I managed to duck out of it, but one of the things she wants me to do with her this week is to go with her to her weekly singles thing at her church. I just dont know how I feel about that. I know, it'll probably be good for me to get out and among the living, but it still scares the shit out of me. Months ago, I decided that I would be better if I just went out every night with friends and stayed as busy as I could. It was rocky yet tolerable for the first 3 or 4 days. Then one night there were a group of us from my old job going out to a club. At the last minute, I asked my friend if he minded if I skipped out on it and just slept on his sofa while he was out. He didnt mind. He didnt mind because he thought he could come home all drunk and push me to sleep with him. I didnt, but after that I decided I wasnt going to push myself to do something until I was comfortable and ready to do it. I just remember that night thinking to myself how I wasnt ready at all to be out and partying. Maybe its just me.

Its really funny. Just a few minutes ago, while I've been typing this out, I received a call from my friend "J". We were just talking about random things and out of nowhere he said he had a friend that works for American Airlines and how he wanted to get with his friend ad get me a ticket to Seattle. How's that for irony!