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Written at 1:37 p.m. on Monday, Apr. 24, 2006

I have never claimed to be this brilliant person. But sheer stupidity is not my thing either. I'm smart enough to know when I carefully need to step back from the cobra in front of me and prevent another bite.

I met "J" for lunch Saturday afternoon. It was nice. Very nice. He is an incredibly nice guy. I just know the subtle difference between someone who will be a part of your life and someone who will chain themselves to it. And I'm just not ready for hitchikers. And I dont mean this in the shallow way that its going to sound like.

There were just a few things that he said at lunch that lead me to beleive that he is everything I dont need right now. I'm not going to jump from one jacked up relationship to something much worse. Like I said, nice guy. He just seems so...clingy. Or at least someone who highly has that potential. I think he just falls into people a little too quickly. He's been married twice. I guess his last wife took off on him to move in with another guy. I am so not even wanting to step foot on that ground. Its just everything that I'm petrified to get involved with.

And I'm not into him like that. He's just a nice guy that I'd love to hang out friends. And that's about it. I dont want anything more...with him or anyone else for that matter. He really made me want to grab my purse and run for the door when he said I dont want to be alone. And I'm not afraid to admit it. You may want to wait at least until the second "date" before divulging that to someone. Not a smart move for the first one. And this was so not a date anyway.

I did tell him a little about my situation and that I'm a little reluctant to be with anyone right now. Reluctant...hesitant...petrified...downright scared...same difference. Its not happening. And I'm not sure what to say or how to act when I see him. Which is everyday. I know realistically that the only common denominator here is to just be nice. I just dont know how to be nice without either hurting someone with the truth or inconveniencing myself because I dont want to hurt someone with the truth.

Its not even the kid thing. He has an almost 17 year old. Its not the two ex-wives either. Its just a compilation of it all. I just want to come up for some air before someone else is strapped to my ankles and pulling me down. I just dont need it right now. We all know that right now I'm all messed up and only half a person. And he sounds like he's still wiping his knees off from all the stumbling and falling of his own. Two halves dont equal a whole.

Last night, or should I say this morning, I had a missed call on my cell phone. It was a number I didnt recognize. And it was at 3 am. I turn my ringer off when I go to sleep, so I didnt see it until 7 am. There was no message, so it couldnt be all that important. Its just that I know that I know that number from somewhere. I just cant place it. Oh, well.

And that is about all I have in this crazy place that I like to call my life.