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But the girl in the car in the parkn lot says Man you should try to take a shot, cant you see my walls are crumbln, and she looks up at the buildn and she's thinkn of jumpn, she says she's tired of life, she must be tired of something round here
Written at 12:50 p.m. on Thursday, Apr. 27, 2006

I fear my "no bitching" streak was short lived and at its end now.

I feel so frustrated today. Like inside my head I'm screaming from the top of my lungs. And I hate this. I absolutely fucking hate this feeling.

I really need to take tomorrow to regroup. Its so needed. I almost want to just call my friend and tell her that I dont feel like doing anything and I dont really want to see anyone either. But I know just like everything else, once I get into it I'm glad I did and usually have alot of fun. So I'm hoping that this sinking feeling passes...real quick.

I snapped at the one person that I dont want to snap at. She was giving me shit about not being here tomorrow for someone else's last day. How can you take tomorrow off...its __'s last day. You're going to miss a free company sponsored lunch. There were about a million other things that I could have said, but the only thing that came out was Let's see...a day away from here...or a free lunch. Hmmm, which one do you think I'd find priceless? It doesnt take a rocket scientist to figure that one out.

This has nothing to do with her. Or anyone else for that matter. Its totally a "Tracey thing" right now. I'm having a very hard time dealing with things right now. And its so hard to put into words how I feel right now. I feel like I'm losing grip of things right now. And I dont know that I ever really had a firm grasp to begin with.
I do know this...this is the worst I've felt in a long time, if not ever. I'm stumbling over my feet all the time. I stumble over things that arent even there. And I hate it. I hate feeling like I look like the town drunk and the village idiot all wrapped into one. Last night was bad. I felt like I couldnt do anything right. I had a hard time even carrying my groceries bag at a time. Every step was hard.

And I'm totally convinced that its a nutrition thing. When I'm eating like a bird and its mostly nuts and seeds, I feel a million times better. So if its pistaccios and pumpkin seeds only, then that is what it is. I'm bombarding my body right now with only stuff like that. I'm hoping to just kick the shit out of it right now. I've had only pumpkin seeds today and alot of Omega 3's. I dont know if it will work, but I'm going to try.

And the part that bothers me most is that I brokedown somewhere that I shouldnt have. But I couldnt help it. I called Matt and asked him to come over tonight and help me with a few things. I give him shit about being an ass, but push comes to shove he did take care of me when I needed it. I asked him if I can just lay in front of the tv all wrapped up in blankets and have him cook dinner. He's still coming, so I take it he doesnt mind.

I think he just knows when I cant deal with him being an ass and I need him to stand up and be a man. It kills me to rely on him for anything, but I just want one night where someone is taking care of me. ME. I need it. There is no false hope of anything. It is what it is. And its just me needing a day off from my own life. I am so mentally run down that it hurts.

I am also not totally convinced about these new shots either. It just doesnt make sense either. If you want to take me off medication A because I may have built up antibodies to it, then why would you want me to start medication B that is exactly the same medication just a higher dosage. Doesnt make sense. But neither does my half-ass neurologist.