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Because of you I'm ashamed of my life because its empty
Written at 10:06 a.m. on Saturday, May. 13, 2006

I think I'm starting to see things from an outside perspective. To see how truly pathetic it looks not only to someone else, but how its starting to look like to me.

Yesterday I saw the "NiceGuy". He's the one that I went out to lunch with weeks ago. I hadnt seen him in a few weeks, shortly after we had lunch, and I cant say that I didnt take it personally. He vanished a few days after our lunch. No phone call, nothing.

When we were talking yesterday he made a comment on how I should expect a phone call from him today. How he's going to get me out of the house this weekend even if it takes me thrown over his shoulders. It was nice, but boy did it just slap me in the face. Have I really become this hermit that never leaves home and people just feel sorry for? Gawd, I hope not.

For me what it truly comes down to is...I cannot find what I'm looking for and instead I'm just getting alot of what I'm not looking for. All of my life I've always had more guy-friends than girl-friends. That is just the way that its been. And now that most of my girl-friends are either married, have kids or given up on me because you can only hear "I'm not coming out tonight, I just dont feel good" before you just have to walk away. I mean there's still Becca and Lauren and Rena and Maria that I still go out with regularly.

What it is, what the bottom line is, is that my girl-friends are used to a different Tracey. And my guy-friends cant just be friends without wanting more. NiceGuy comes with too many problems, and CreepyGuy just has too many problems. I just want a guy-friend that I can hang out with that doesnt want anything more than that...to be a friend to hang out with.

And I dont think its ridiculously freaky of me to want to be alone for a while. It really hasnt been that long since he's been gone and I just want to be alone for a while. And I shouldnt have to feel bad or feel like a circus freak because I want to regroup for a little while.

I still see my girl-friends. They get it, they really do. I see them all the time. My guy-friends however, they dont get it. Because I'm single and I dont want to be with them, there must be something wrong with me. I will go out with Becca to "Cheers", but I dont want to go to lunch with NiceGuy. Becca doesnt make me feel bad becausae at the end I get to say goodbye to her and go home. I dont have to look at her and say how fun it was and that we should do it again...and not really mean it.

I was supposed to call CreepyGuy last night to go out, but I didnt want to do that. I'm supposed to get a call from NiceGuy and I dont want to answer it when it rings.

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