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And will you never say that you love me just to put it in my face...and will you never try to reach me, it is I that wanted space
Written at 2:09 p.m. on Sunday, May. 21, 2006

There are just way too many days that I just want to lay on the floor and kick and scream until it all seems right again...or at least makes sense to me.

I'm not answering Matt's calls. I really dont have a need to. There is nothing that I need from him. And if he needs his shavers and hair clippers that badly, he can go buy new ones. Especially when I bought these for him in the first place. I dont want to see or deal with him at all. Even on a small scale. I dont get it. I dont get him. And I've just given up on the attempt now. He's not worth the brain cell energy of trying. He's plain hopeless.

I did end up going out last night with Becca to "Cheers". It actually wasnt that bad...again. I ran into "MrFireandRain" (who we'll just call him by his real name, guy Keri, because really who cares). He was singing when I walked in. I stood there while he sang and waited for him to finish. When he was done, he just said "hey" and walked right by me. I knew that wasnt right. So I talked to Becca and "MarriedGuy" about how he just walked by me and didnt say anything. "MarriedGuy" said he probably had no idea who I was since he had no idea who I was when he saw me a month ago. So I walked up to Keri You have no idea who I am, do you? That's when "MarriedGuy" walked over Look at her closely. I had no idea who the hell she was either. But you've gotta look at the eyes...its Tracey. Then finally I was greeted with a nice hug. And no, he didnt know who I was.

What was even stranger was when Becca and I were outside and this old(er) guy was talking to us. He made mention about slapping women around. I told him that I already have one guy with a restraining order against him that goes to manditory Domestic Violence classes every Thursday down the street...I can add another name to the list. I meant it as a joke. Then the strangest thing happened. "MrRayofSunshine" came over and sat on the bench beside me. He asked if this guy was giving me a hard time. If he does, you tell him I'm your Domestic Violence instructor and you come and get me. That was strange because...he HATES me. With a passion. All the way back to when I dated his roommate. He had to have not known who I was. He would've never been nice to me if he did. I suppose he shouldnt. You throw 120lbs and blonde hair onto me, I probably wouldnt recognize me either.

Earlier in the night when I was home waiting for Becca to get out of the shower, a guy I had been talking to online a few months back popped up. He asked what we were doing and kinda invited himself. I didnt really care because it was a nice public place. And I knew my back was covered. So he came. He was a nice guy. The three of us went to Denny's (DOA) after the bar closed. Becca was all sorts of drunk by this time. When the waiter came and asked how we were, he got a Good thanks, a Nice thank you, and a drunken Fan-fucking-tastic. I dont think I need to clarify who said what.

Afterwards, homeboy wanted to come back and hang out with us. Becca said she wanted him to, so I was okay with that if she was. Oh, until about 3:30-4 am when I could not get him to leave...and she already passed out on my sofa. He just kept saying Oh, I should go. Its getting late but not really moving any closer to the door. He just wanted to sit and talk. Talk about all sorts of crazy shit. About how he's a Virgo and I'm a Virgo and these are the billion and one reasons that we are alike and good for each other. All he got out of that was a Yeah, its getting late and I know she's going to have me up early so I need to get to sleep. Then about 30 mins after that I was finally able to scoot him out the door.

And of course, she got up this morning early as shit and wanted to go shopping. I was semi up for it. We hit up Starbuck's and headed out. During our shopping excursion, "CreepyGuy" called. He wanted me to meet him at the pool place this afternoon. It didnt go so well the last time we went, so I didnt want to do that again. So I just came home and all I want to do is sleep.

Turn all the phones off before I do. I dont need a wake-up call from any irrate ex-boyfriends, creepy guys or squatters that wont leave. No phone, no unwanted solicitors selling shit I dont need or want.