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When I want to run away...I drive off im my car
Written at 10:41 p.m. on Monday, May. 22, 2006

I dont even begin to know how to explain how I feel right now at this very moment.

Yesterday was hard. So very hard. After all the nasty phone calls I received Saturday, to drive two street lights down to the shopping center and see his car there just left me breathless. And not in a good way.

I didnt want to get out to go to the pharmacy. I just wanted to sink in a hole and not come out. I ended up going in anyway. I came back out and wanted to get away as fast as I could. I drove down PCH through Laguna Beach and the canyon. I needed to clear my head.

I just feel like he's everywhere. All around me. His car in the shopping center down the street. Its been there for a few days. He works three street lights away in the other direction. I feel like he's everywhere that I go in one way or another. And freak out at the thought of the day I have to run into him somewhere. Its bound to happen.

I laugh at the restraining order that says he cant come within a mile of me. That's a fucking joke. He's within a half a mile of me 90% of his day. What's the point of there being one is he's allowed to come as close as he wants.

When I got home from work, I walked to get my mail. As I walked back my cell phone rang and it was him. The first thought in my head was if he was possibly right there and I didnt know it. I didnt answer my phone. I got in my car and went for a drive again. While I was out he called again. And again. Finally I just picked it up and snapped What? What do you want? Now he wants to give me the key back to my apartment. I told him to keep it as a souveneir because it wont work. Of course you know I was going to get my locks changed. And that sparked another arguement. You dont trust me? I would never go there without your permission. I would never go where I'm not wanted. You're kidding me right?

I just cannot deal with this. Its insane. I dont want to feel like this. Like I cant leave the house without the possibility of seeing him. I know it sounds childish on my part, but I really DO NOT want to see him at all.