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I have to block out thoughts of you so I dont lose my head, they crawl in like a cockroach leaving babies in my bed...dropping little reels of tape to remind me that I'm alone, playing movies in my head that make a porno feel like home
Written at 4:42 p.m. on Thursday, May. 25, 2006

I have this very cumbersome feeling that I may not be doing this the right (correct) way.

I'm not one that does the whole alone thing very well. I downright suck at it. I think now I'm just occupying my time with meaningless nothings. Or, sad to say, meaningless noone's.

I made plans this Friday with Tony to go out with him and his friend. And Becca was going to go too. I suppose kind of like a double date. Sunday I made plans with my friend Steve to watch all this Nascar crap at my house. And somewhere in between or around it all, I need to find time for Eddie to go out with him and his son.

This is insane. And I dont mean any disrespect to any of them. I really should learn, or at least attempt, to be alone for a while. I know that I need to. For a little while. Maybe a long while. I even agreed to go out with the Office Depot delivery guy. Yes, the fucking Office Depot guy. He asked...I said sure. We were talking about the weekend and when he asked what I was doing I said "nothing". No kids? No husband? No boyfriend? Thanks for the reminder, but no, no and no.

I feel like I'm just occupying my time with people just to occupy the time. It really could be anyone and I wouldnt care. And its not the fear of being alone in the long run that bothers me. Its being alone at the present time. Right now. I feel like I need to be with someone doing something every waking moment. I'm going crazy in my apartment. The four walls closing in. The silence of it all. Its overwhelming. I hate it.

You would think that I'd be used to it by now. Being the only child, you would think that I'd be used to it since birth. But that's not the case. Not at all. Last night I went to the pharmacy just to have something to do so I wouldnt sit home thinking about things. Pulling them apart and analyzing every little detail. Sometimes my mind is a terrible place to be.