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Shit, I find myself just filling my time, anything to keep the thought of you from my mind...I'm doing fine, I plan to keep it that way, you can call me if you find you have something to say
Written at 9:07 a.m. on Wednesday, May. 31, 2006

I really, really do not want to change my cell phone number. I may not have a choice though.

I was talking with Becca on the phone last night and my cell phone rang telling me I had a text message. There are only three people that send me text messages...Birdman (Chris), Becca and Matt. I figured it wasnt Chris because he normally texts me shortly before or shortly after I see him. I knew it wasnt Becca since I already had her on the phone. Process of elimination says Matt. Which it was. Why does life suck ass so hard? Is this a riddle?

I didnt respond to it. I'm not about to fall into that again. Leaving any line of communication ends up burning me and taking me right back to where I started. Hopeless and hurt all over again. I'm finally getting past all that crap and leaving it behind me.

I used to want him to call or send me messages. I'd want him to come to his senses and realize how wonderful I am and how he cant live without me. And just like clockwork, he would. He always did. Then I started thinking about the masochism in all of that. How I'm only hurting myself with that. To respond to him in any way gives him control over it all. He gets his foot in the door, acts like the man I need him to be for a while, then reverts back to the asshole leaving me at square one all over again.

I didnt respond to him. I just ignored it. I had the comfort of knowing he is once again scratching at the door to get in without the pain of walking through that all over again. I got my satisfied feeling. That's enough for me. I know it bothers him that I didnt call him on his birthday. Especially since he knows that after being apart six years there hasnt been a year that went by that I havent called Curt on his birthday.

I just cant go through this again either. I cant deal with him at all. I dont want to deal with him. I dont want to be his friend. Friends dont make friends feel the way he made me feel for four years. All of the mean hurtful things he would say. I can never go back to that. Even with false hopes I cant put myself through that again.

It hurts. It still hurts alot. But you just keep getting up everyday. And everyday the pain goes away a little more. Until one day its not there anymore.

To answer his question...Why does life suck ass so hard? The only answer I have for that is...because you're a loser.