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And my scars remind me that the past is real...I tear my heart open just to feel
Written at 12:15 p.m. on Thursday, Jun. 01, 2006

Unfortunately I cant block my work email. Last resort, he knows I cant not get his emails there. Its unavoidable.

Yesterday afternoon I was sitting here working and his name popped up on my email. His email said Did you not get my text last night? I told him I got it and asked him what he wanted. I just wanted to see why you didnít text back. Maybe you were not wanting to just because. its cool. I know you donít want to hear from me. I will get used to it.

Is he really trying to play the sad, wounded party in all of this? I mean seriously. Does he really think I want any kind of friendship with him. He said something about drunk texting me because he knew I wouldn't have wanted him to call. I dont. I dont want him to call. I dont want him to text. Nothing. Just go away.

A few weeks ago when he wanted his razors and shavers and hair clippers, I got so mad that I just wanted to break them. I bought them and how dare he to want them back. I stood in my bathroom with the electric razor in one hand and the clippers in the other. And I just wanted to smash them together enough to where the blades were bent. All I managed to accomplish with that was cut the shit out of my thumb. I thought I was going to need stitches it was that bad.

The cut is still there. It hasn't fully healed yet, but its getting there. And everyday when I do something like get dressed and I hit it on something I'm reminded of my anger all over again. It hurts. It will for a long time. One day it wont and all I'll have to look back at is this scar that used to be a gaping hole. And I'll see and appreciate all that I've been through and how far I've come.

I think tonight I'm going to do what I did last night...go to the gym and work off my aggression and frustration. I'm cancelling Big Bear. And I'm going to use the money to get myself to Seattle over the long 4th of July weekend. I took extra days off work already.

I just need to get away for a little while.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut
My weakness is that I care too much
And my scars remind me that the past is real
I tear my heart open just to feel

Drunk and I'm feeling down
And I just wanna be alone
I'm pissed cause you came around
Why don't you just go home
Cause you channel all your pain
And I can't help you fix yourself
You're making me insane
All I can say is

[Chorus:]
I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut
My weakness is that I care too much
And our scars remind us that the past is real
I tear my heart open just to feel

I tried to help you once
Against my own advice
I saw you going down
But you never realized
That you're drowning in the water
So I offered you my hand
Compassions in my nature
Tonight is our last stand

[Chorus]

I'm drunk and I'm feeling down
And I just wanna be alone
You shouldn't ever came around
Why don't you just go home?
Cause you're drowning in the water
And I tried to grab your hand
And I left my heart open
But you didn't understand
But you didn't understand
Go fix yourself

I can't help you fix yourself
But at least I can say I tried
I'm sorry but I gotta move on with my own life
I can't help you fix yourself
But at least I can say I tried
I'm sorry but I gotta move on with my own life

[Chorus x2]

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