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It hurts to want everything and nothing at the same time
Written at 1:28 p.m. on Wednesday, Jun. 07, 2006

I am just cringing in every inch of my body. I made a horrible mistake today.

Sometimes when I go to the Site Meter I see a particular entry that the person went to. I read that entry...and about 20 other.

I sat here at my desk reading them and wanting to cry. I still want to cry now. I shouldnt have read them. They are here, but I should never go back and read them. There is just way too much pain involved in them. Reading it was like reliving it all over again. Maybe even worse. I didn't sound as angry and bitter as I am now.

I saw it though. I saw the 15 million times I should've walked away. But no, he got chance after chance after chance. It was sickening to me. That I allowed it. I allowed him to hurt me time and time again. For 5 years. 5 fucking years. What's wrong with me?

There is one part of me that wants to close this diary and just start a new one. Then there is the part of me that cant bring myself to do it. I have almost 5 years of my life on here. Good, bad or indifferent...its my life.

The freaky part is that while I was writing this...he called me. He hasn't called in weeks. Why does he call now? Its like he knows when its the best time for him to come around, because its usually the worst time for me to have him come around.

Any time is a bad time.