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The god of wine comes crashing through the headlights of a car
Written at 4:08 p.m. on Thursday, Jun. 08, 2006

I never claimed to be the smartest person. Or even close. Come to think of it, I'm actually pretty stupid.

I stayed home last night just like I said I would. I sat staring at a nice unopened bottle of Vodka. Didnt stay unopened for long. Which, thank you, I will have to replace as it was not mine. I sat pounding shots until I felt numb. Which apparently worked because it didnt hurt when I fell holding on to a wall that wasnt there. I would've swore it was there.

Now there's a stupid part of the night and a very stupid part of the night. They're actually both very, very stupid. It started with me answering the phone. Yes, I was right about him staying two street lights down from me. Please come get me. I figured being drunk I wouldnt remember any of it the next day anyway. The scary part was me driving down there. I shouldnt have gone at all. I never drive after drinking. Ever! But I did talk to him and it was easier to do with a quarter bottle of Vodka in me. I explained why he needs to leave me alone. Not call me, not text me, not email me. I tried to explain it as best I could. Its like I'm picking up broken pieces of glass and putting them on a plate and just as I've picked it all up someone walks up and knocks the plate out of my hands making all my previous efforts useless...its all in pieces on the floor again. I told him how good I'm doing without him and how I plan to keep it that way.

I think he understands now how much I need him to go away for good. Disappear entirely. Not try to contact me. I really thought it was going to be harder to see him than it really was. Its not so much there anymore for me. I dont want to be with him. I can never go back to that life again. I'm a different person now. Stronger. Alot.

I tried explaining to him...there are two types of people. Chickens and pigs. Its like making a ham and egg breakfast. Both the chicken and the pigs are involved. The chicken contributes to it. But the pig puts everything he has into it. I'm a pig. I'm a pig that doesnt want to be with a chicken. I want someone that is going to put everything they have in to it.

So think I'm stupid for going. I dont really care. It helped me in so many ways and that is what is important. Theraputic in ways. I got the closure I needed. I had that already. I just needed him to get it. Now I think he does.