I'm damaged as I'm sure you know...I'm scared and I'm alone...and I need for you to know...I didnt say all the things that I wanted to say and you cant take back what you were taken away
Written at 2:07 p.m. on Sunday, Jun. 11, 2006
Seriously, when does the pain go away. Or at least let up a little bit. I cant take much more of this. I feel so...damaged.
Becca came over after she got off work last night. We headed to "Cheers". As we were walking in, she thought she saw he guy I took home Easter weekend. It was confirmed when we went inside. It was him.
I acted like I didnt see him. It would've been awkward. To say the least. I decided to go up to the bar and order something strong. Which it was. I love Jan, she makes the best drinks. I ordered a Long Island ice tea. As I'm walking back to the table, I hear Hi, Tracey. It was him. We got past the awkwardness and he sat at our table for the rest of the night. I have to admit that I was trashed. Thoroughly. I must've been more trashed than I thought because I agreed to take him home with me. Kinda caused an arguement with Becca. She drove my car back to my house and drove her car home to her house.
I was starting to sober up a little bit, so I suggested we go to 7-11 for...things. It was 2 am and that was all that was open. We walk in and head back to the beer. At first I thought I was still pretty drunk because I thought I saw Kevin, Matt and some girl. A few double takes later I realized it was real. I was standing there with Matt and what I presume to be his new girlfriend. I couldnt find words. I managed to squeeze out a few. Fan-fucking-tastic. Isnt this some shit? All the 7-11's on every corner and you had to come to this one. (deep breath) KEVIN, figure out what you're getting because we need to leave...NOW. As we were walking to the counter we saw they were already there. Kevin grabbed my arm Let them go. Take a deep breath and let them go, we'll wait.
I cant tell you how small I felt. To stand face to face with the girl that's taking my place. And she was cute. That hurt even more. It broke me inside. I was already damaged, but that cracked me even more. I kept thinking about how he's going home with her...and how he'll be kissing her and having sex with her...and how that wasnt me, it was her, that will be doing all the things that I used to do. That hurt so bad.
When we get to the car, Kevin says They must've been at "Cheers" tonight because I saw her. She sang. Great. My watering hole has been infiltrated. I swear I would've noticed had he been there. Then again, I was pretty drunk.
And I can totally see how some people do that. Just drink until they're numb. Because that is all that I want to do. And I dont normally drink. But if I have to do something I dont normally do just to be someone I'm not then I will. I dont want to feel...any of this. And I cant help sitting here now staring at this bottle of Vodka thinking there has to be something at the bottom of the bottle. Some kind of answer that makes all of this okay.
I left Kevin sleeping when I got up. I closed both doors to my bedroom. I heard him get up and open the door to the bathroom and I just couldnt help thinking about how Matt did that every weekend and how I'm just going to open my eyes and its going to be him that comes walking out. And I need to face the reality of it and that is that he'll never be the one walking out. And this...this is just some random guy from the bar.
He took a shower and we talked for a little bit. I needed to get him back to his truck at "Cheers". By this time it was about 1:30. I pulled up next to his truck and he went to get out. He mentioned talking to me soon. Lets not kid ourselves here. You dont even have my number and you know, it is what it is. You dont have to be nice and polite with the 'we'll talk soon'. It is what it is. Nothing more, nothing less. He asked me to call his cell phone anyway. Whatever. All this did was make me feel more empty and alone. That just isnt what I needed. So I couldnt help breaking down in to tears on my drive back.
At least tomorrow is the start of another work week, so I have 40 hours dedecated to something for the week. I have too much time on my hands. Time is not my friend.