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And then I fell down yelling "Make it go away"...just make a smile come back and shine just like it used to be...and then she whispered "How can you do this to me?"
Written at 1:11 p.m. on Tuesday, Jun. 13, 2006

This has been the hardest 24 hours for me.

The police officer came out yesterday. She took copies of the emails and recorded messages from my cell phone. She sat talking to me for a while. About how I cant and shouldnt under estimate anything about him because I told her I didnt fear him coming after me.

After she left I got a call on my cell phone. It wasnt a blocked number, so I thought it might be the officer calling me about something, Hi, this is Lindsay...Matt's girlfriend. Choke. Cough. Barf. She told me that because of me he'll be doing a year in jail. Why is it nothing is ever his fault? Its always mine. I'm always made to be the bad guy. She wanted to portray him to be this saint and me the monster who came in and crushed him. So...I had to fill her in on a few things. If he's so great and wonderful why did he come over to my house last week? She didnt seem phased by that. And he stayed the night. Nerve touched. She asked me if we had sex. Sure did. I think she has a right to know. He told me that he wasnt serious with her. I wish someone had called me up and told me these things. I know I had a right to know.

When we got off the phone, she called again shortly after. I didnt answer it. Everything that needed to be said was said. I had no reason to talk to her so I didnt answer it. She left a message saying it was important for me to call her back. I didnt. Then shortly after that she called my work. What is it with you people? Someone doesnt answer the 50 million calls you attempt it shoud be obvious that they dont want to talk to you. Thankfully Rena knew about everything going on. Lindsay, I would highly recommend that you not call here again. She is breaking his restraining order by calling me. He's not supposed to contact me through a third party either. C'mon girl, you're just fueling the fire.

After that, I didnt want to take the chance of staying home alone. I called my cousin and asked if I could stay at his house. When I got there he was out hosing down the driveway. I walked up to him and thanked him for letting me stay. He hugged me and told me I could stay as long as I wanted.

It was nice being there. Just what I needed. My cousin and I were laughing about an uncle that we have that is crazy and if he lived closer wouldnt hesitate to pay Matt a visit and put the fear of god into him. My neices spoiled me. The 5 yr old sat and brushed my hair for what felt like hours. The 10 yr old got upset when I told her that I didnt know if I'd be back tomorrow. I'd love to. But I cant hide forever. I have to go home eventually.

I did call and leave a message for the officer. Lindsay made it sound like he was already taken in. I want to know for sure what happened so I can sleep better tonight.