I'm reaching farther than I ever have before...leaving all who broke your heart upon the shore...I may be some sort of crazy, we may be some sort of crazy...but I swear on everything I have and more...
Written at 2:29 p.m. on Thursday, Jul. 06, 2006
I just want to go face down on my desk. I am so tired. And its kind of deadly that I have a pillow under my desk.
I woke up with a headache. At first I thought I had just slept wrong but its because I need to eat something. Badly. The food lady is coming to bring me something but she cant get here fast enough.
I didn't sleep well last night. After the phone calls ALL DAY I spent most of the night listening to every creak and thump in my apartment. Becca was going to come stay the night with me but she had to go home to walk her dog first so it didn't make any sense for her to drive all the way back.
I did go for a long drive last night. I knew Wednesday he has his Anger management/domestic violence classes from 6-8. At close to 8 I went driving just in case he tried to show up at my house. I drove in circles. As I was driving back to my apartment I saw him coming in the opposite direction as if he were coming back from my place. I dont think he saw me. But it sickens me.
I just want to be done with him. For good. I dont want to see him or talk to him. I almost want to somehow get in touch with his friend Jim so that I can just drop whats left of his stuff off over there. And not have to deal with him. Its funny how you can love someone so much one day then turn around and hate their very existence the next. I dont hate him. To hate him would require me to care. And I just dont anymore. Everything I ever felt, good or bad, has left me and there's nothing there but a hole where he used to be. I'll put someone else there.
He did call me a short while ago. I finally gave up and figured I'd keep getting calls until I finally answered and talked to him. I told him the same thing I've been telling him. I dont want to talk to you. I dont want to see you. I want nothing to do with you. I am so much better than this and I deserve so much better than this. Leave me alone. Which honestly, without sounding conceited, we all know is true.
I still stand by the fact that I dont want to be with anyone right now. Not for a while. Don't need it. Don't want it. I'm just so ready to leave all of this here while I go forward.