Its proof to show that I bleed for this and I've cut myself the shame...to get to know this masochist who has stolen my first name
Written at 1:31 p.m. on Friday, Jul. 14, 2006
I feel so lost today. I feel everywhere and nowhere at the same time.
I dont know what it is. Things havent been bad or anything. Not great, but not bad either. Just...there.
I went the other day to sign up for my PEP classes. Personal Empowerment something. Its something that I should have signed up for months ago. Its not manditory like Matt's things, but I think it will only help me out in the end. Its every Tuessday 6-8. I'm a little nervous because I know that it will bring out things and feelings that I'm not ready to deal with yet. And that kind of scares me. Who knows, maybe that is what I need...to bring it to the surface, deal with it and let it go.
Last night he came over and got the last of his things. It was very mixed emotions. Very. He was blabbering something about something, I cant quite remember, but I almost broke my glass coffee table when he said it and I slammed my beer bottle (because he makes me want to drink when I deal with him) on the table yelling I wanted you to get your shit together, pull your head out of your ass...stop turning everything around to be my fault. And to add insult to injury, all he could say was I think you should go to my anger management classes, sounds like you need them more.
So I'm skipping out of here this weekend. A co-worker friend invited me to come stay the weekend at her house in LA. She knows how badly I need to get out of the OC even if only for weekend. I cant deal with it all. Eric = "Why didnt you call me back?"...and for some reason he thinks its okay to call me at work if I dodge his calls to my cell phone. Ted = "Someone's in a bad mood", when I'm not its just how I am. Matt = "You're severely tweaked in the head and you should see someone about that."...as if he isnt. All of it combined is choking me.
Its crazy. I went to school to be able to work with children, but this is crazy. I am, however, not qualified to deal with the developmentally disabled. That's a whole other certification.
So yeah, I am going to get up early, the butt-crack of dawn, tomorrow morning and drive up to her house in LA. I am going to leave everything and everyone back here. Leave all the bullshit here. Forget about it all even if for only a weekend. I may turn my cell phone off or even not bring it at all.
I wanna be somebody else for a while.