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I will go down with this ship...
Written at 8:47 a.m. on Wednesday, Oct. 04, 2006

I am on a full blown mission here. And I swear by it. I will feel better. Gawd, this sucks.

On my way into work this morning, I was looking through some papers in my visor looking for my car registration so I can put the sticker on my car. I found an envelope that has been there for I dont know how long. It was a report on my last MRI. I dont even pretend to understand half of it. Just the terminology alone is overwhelming. At the end of the report is a conclusion. This one pretty much said that its considerably worse since my initial MRI in 2002 when I was diagnosed. I absolutely refuse to accept that.

There are a few things that I want to try to see how they help. I still want to try the IVIG infusion therapy. I'm exhausted on shots but willing to try anyway. And this isn't so much a shot as it is like dialysis. Different yet similar.

Tonight I dont care how tired I am. I am going to take it (my sorry butt) to the gym. And food. Only 100% healthy for me. No more "half-assing" it for me. I cant do that anymore.

I'm also freaking out because I feel like I've gained weight all of the sudden. Which I know is not true. "The scales dont lie." Its the same as it has been for months now. Nothing up, nothing down. My clothes still fit the same. I think its because 90% of my body is numb and I cant feel it. So my clothes feel funny against my skin and it makes me feel like I am bigger than I am.

I dont know. I guess sometimes this whole thing scares me more than I'd like to admit to. There are times when I feel like it will all be okay...then there are other times I just want to crawl in to be, pull the covers over my head...and never come out.

I think today is one of those fighting days.

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