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Your just an empty cage girl if you kill the bird...
Written at 10:34 a.m. on Friday, Oct. 20, 2006

This has been the most taxing week I think I've ever had.

Last Friday. Totally the worst. I am not sure exactly what happened but I was in so much pain and could hardly move. One step felt like a mile. I ended up at Urgent Care to get something to take it all away. That didnt really happen. There wasnt much they could do. My old roommate Kelly came down there to make sure I was okay and to get me out to my car okay. I felt bad because I was supposed to take her to LAX airport that night and she ended up having to ask her dad to take her. And as always, when I feel deflated I end up calling the same person. Matt. He was getting off work so he came over to get me into the house. He ended staying there with me all weekend to make sure I was ok. I dont think he left once. Except when he left to go to the drug store for me to get me water. And at one point, I was so bad that he got me in and out of the shower. He's a real ass, but sometimes...

Monday. I took the day off work. This was my breaking day. I thought I was going to die. I spent the better part of the morning fighting with doctors to get an appiointment with my neurologist. I wanted a new one but would go to whoever would see me. The earliest I could get in was with a new doctor on Wednesday. At one point in the day I thought I was feeling okay enough to try to go to the grocery store. Wrong. So very, very wrong. I managed to get inside, but every step just hurt and was so hard. By the time I got out of the store and heading to my car, I thought I was going to pass out. Until a woman came over to me and offered her help because she could tell something wasnt right. She asked if it was my back. It was easier to say yes to that than get into the truth. When I got home I wasnt feeling any better. Worse actually. I pulled up to the closest spot out front of my apartment which happens to be handicap parking. All I wanted to do was run my groceries in. Some old woman came out and told me her husband was on his way home and needed the spot so I'd have to move. I just tried to keep my temper away but I was so upset with her. She and her husband are always walking around the complex. And if he can do that, he can park in an open spot and walk the extra four or five steps. I couldnt. So I pulled in my carport and sat there...frustrated. I called my grandmother to talk me down. Which is just what I needed. I ended up just leaving my groceries in the car and staggering to my door. I, once again, called Matt to see if he would bring my groceries in. And he did.

Tuesday. I was so scared to go back to work. I knew the stairs would be a problem, but I wanted to at least attempt it. I was scared to even attempt to get to my car. But I did. Wasnt easy but I did it. The day wasnt too bad.

Wednesday. I finally got in to see a neurologist. Again, I wasnt sure I was going to make it inside. But alas. This was my first visit with this doctor. And OMG, he was hot. We did go over some new things. He wants to send me for ANOTHER MRI. This time he wants to do my entire body to make sure nothing was/is overlooked. He also said he wants to get me in to physical therapy. And if I didnt start feeling better, he wants to hospitalize me for three days while I get IV steroids. That didnt make me happy. But I will if I have to.

Thursday. I just went to work and then home. Of course I had to stop at the phaarmacy to pick up more medications. Again, a walking pharmacy. I dont care too much about that. I will do whatever I need to do.

Today. I feel so much better. Its strange how much of a difference between yesterday and today there is. I finished my oral steroids today, so maybe that is it. Who knows. But I'll cling on to it while I can. I never know how long its going to last.

This has been the most exhausting week. My mind has been in places I didnt think I had in me. I started mentally planning things that shouldnt be planned. I was just so scared and in so much pain. I just wanted it to go away. Although, I have to make it clear I would never hurt myself.