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She says she's 'bout to run away and never come back
Written at 4:31 p.m. on Friday, Dec. 15, 2006

Oh Tracey, you're so good at making friends, but you keep them all as acquaintances. For some reason, those words echo in my head on an almost daily basis. I was told that by Monique years ago. Trac, you just dont let many people get close. Truth is...the majority of people suck. I mean honestly, try to dispute that one.

While talking to "J" the other day about physical therapy, I mentioned how I had managed to do something to my leg/ankle and it was hard walking. Oh, we'll get you a wheelchair...invalids are hot. Is it just me or is that really not funny. He's not very tactful about things. Which is the main, if not the only, reason I would never be remotely serious about him. He's the guy you call on a Friday night to go out with because all of your other friends are busy and the thought of staying home is torturous.

Matt. If that is not a stroke in the making. Seriously. My heart still palpitates strangely sometimes. Not in a good way though. Dont think I havent heard the latest in his irresponsible drama. He's got a bench warrant out on him. He's going to the courthouse today to turn himself in. And he's probably going to do time on this one. Its your fault he says. It may be indirectly my fault, but this is directly a result of his inability to take care of his own shit. Or to even take responsibility partially for my indirect part of it. Again, a constant reminder that I deserved better than that.

And to add insult to injury on it all...Good morning, Tracey...this is "Partyguy" (still...nothing to do with partying)'s have you been? You know, we should go do something after the holidays. Yeah, that's not happening. I managed to squeeze a perhaps out of my mouth while this little voice screamed out You are seriously high or drunk in my head. Eh, way.

So am I in a huge hurry to run out and make more friends like these? Magic 8-ball says hell no. These are the people who are the disappointments in my life. These are the people who rode in on their little trojan horses appearing all innocent and non-threatening, yet came out of their little shell of facades and showed their true colors to me. Hence, the reason I dont let people in very easily. Just safer that way. I know it makes me feel safe, while not letting me take the chance of feeling happy in the same breath. Friends are like a box of never know what nut you're gonna get.

And it makes me so sad all over again when I get that phone call and I hear when are you coming home? And by coming home I mean for good, not a visit? Its Ashley (my cousin's oldest daughter) and she makes me think it wouldnt be soon enough.

What am I doing here? Why am I still here? Why cant I seem to say I'll do it and actually do it. Why is it that no matter how many times I say it like the mantra of my life, I cant get myself to realize that this isnt the place I'm meant to be. Yet no matter how many times I say it and start to believe it, I cant seem to get to the edge to make that leap without stopping and sitting on the edge broken inside wishing things came with easier answers and better solutions. I just cant comprehend it.

I got an email today from my aunt that is back there. It just makes me want to be there even more.
Hi there, Tracey ... this is coming right out to you in sunny southern
California from your best Uncle Harvey located here in not so sunny
Northern Maryland ... give a listen and enjoy ... we all love and miss you,
sweetie! Aunt Mary

They make me want to catch a red eye right out of here tonight...and never come back.