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Its just you and your hand tonight...
Written at 12:59 p.m. on Thursday, Dec. 28, 2006

This right here, right now is the very basis of my frustration.

I am 31...not a child. I dont have kids...therefore I shouldnt have to pamper anyone. And I'm not married...meaning I dont have to explain anything to anyone. Fuckin' A man.

I get so frustrated with "J". To the point that I sometimes want to just walk away from his friendship and close the door behind me. Dont get me wrong, he is a nice guy and all. HOWEVER, I'm not down with having to explain every time I say I will call back and dont. I am not his girlfriend. Never was, never will be. So when I say, "I have a few trips to make to get all of my groceries in, can I call you back?" and I dont...please leave it at that. It obviously was because something came up, which it did, and I couldnt call back. I didnt get into what came up because, well, I shouldnt have to explain myself over something like that.

I have had so much going on lately that I try to take everyone into consideration like that, but things happen and things get away from me. Its not intentional. He's lucky he even has my home phone number. Angel, Becca and Leivy...those are the only people that have it. I dont like giving out my home phone number. But I have known the three people that do have it for lifetimes, so I know its ok. Just a reminder, I am a single girl living alone. There is nothing wrong with me wanting to be safe.

More than anything, its just the I dont want to have toi answer to you part that gets me. I've spent 11 of the 12 years I've been out here in a relationship. I am enjoying being myself. Nothing wrong with that. I think. I'm not ruling out a relationship either. But if I call you and say I'm really sorry I didnt call you back last night, something came up and you harp on me about how inconsiderate I am...your ass will be listening to a dial tone. Right quick.

I think that's the part that really gets to me. I called, apologized for not calling back...and got chewed out anyway. Yeah, so not cool by Tracey standards. I apologized. Profusely. Sincerely too. Guess it wasnt good enough. Oh well, no love lost there.

I think part of me is used to that guy who says he's going to call but doesnt. Yesterday I got a phone call at the office from "Partyguy". We were talking and something came up on his end and he had to go. I will call you back by the end of the day. And he did. He even commented on how he calls when he says he will. Who knows? Maybe I'm just that much of an asshole.

What happened last night was that I got into the grocery store (Angel, its still not the same without you) and I was kinda not paying attention until I got to the frozen section. Standing right behind me was Matt's best friend Jim. Yeah, that Jim. The "Oh, I was over at Jim's house"...or "That was Jim that called at midnight last night". Yeah, not a big fan of Jim's. We stood there talking for a little while. Nothing of great importance. Just a little awkwardness. Mostly on my part. By the time I got home and made four trips to and from the car, I was exhausted. I still had to make something for dinner too.

Enough with the explanations now. I'd like what's behind door #2 now, please. Moving right along...