Written at 11:47 a.m. on Sunday, Jan. 28, 2007
The weekend's almost over and I cant say that I've even left the house since I got here Friday night. I've been battling a cold/flu/whatever for most of the weekend. So I sacrificed my weekend to make sure I dont get too sick. There's a whole new work week staring me down with a "I dare you" look. I'm taking Thursday off work to spend with Rebecca and our wonderful court system. My thing, not hers this time. I also have an Opthamologist appointment later in the day. I will probably need those funky drops put in my eyes. Which I know, doesnt make sense to have the girl with the suspended license drive me in the event that I need someone.
Monday after work I'm meeting "Partyguy" for dinner at the lake again. I'm not sure where this is going or if I even want it to go anywhere. It works for the moment. (shrugs shoulders)
I'm still picking up random little pieces here and there. Its kind of like getting back in the pool after a near drowning experience. It might have been better had I just drowned. I dont like this part. The free-falling feeling that comes with any new person. Or truthfully, the numb feeling that comes without any effort anymore.
I think I figured out what it is. I didnt leave Curt...I didnt leave Matt. I cant recall ever leaving anyone. I was never any good at the "its not you, its me" thing. Long before I ever really decided I needed to get away from either of them, it was more like rolling over and playing dead. Instead of just leaving, I'd stay and make things more horrible. Only in hopes that if I made it miserable enough, they would simply get up and leave. That way, it was out of my hands. I was unhappy, they were leaving and it was their fault not mine. Guess it was just a way to avoid the guilty feeling on my conscience. The downside was the excrutiating amount of time from beginning to end. The time I wasted waiting for the breaking point that I could have avoided by just stepping up and being the one to leave. Maybe that is my problem now. Too afraid to even try anymore.
I clearly remember with Matt thinking to myself, 'This is it, he's finally going to tell me he's leaving...and actully going to do it'. And yet, it wouldnt be it. I was actually releived with the restraining order. 'Good, this is out of my hands too...he's got a piece of paper and a court order to stay a mile away from me'.
I think with enough Nyquil and time on your hands...all sorts of revelations will surface.