There's an icebox where my heart used to be...
Written at 3:43 p.m. on Thursday, Feb. 22, 2007
I just want to lay my head down and sleep...for a very long time.
This week has managed to steal the wind from my sail yet again. I feel so deflated. Its at least Thursday, so I'm semi-close to the weekend. That's a little comforting.
Yesterday I had my eye appointment with the retina specialist. I really liked him. Nice, older, sophisticated guy with a strong, British accent. He ran a gamut of tests on my eyes. Basically, the Optic nerve in my eye has lost some of the nerve fiber. Lovely. And the best part is that I can do nothing about it. He doesnt foresee it ever coming back. The look of 'Oh honey, sorry but its gone forever' said enough. Again...all I really want to do is put on my tennis shoes, open the front door...and run as far away as I can.
I ended up meeting up with a friend/old co-worker on my way home after my appointment yesterday. We sat in the Starbuck's parking lot talking for the longest time. About all sorts of things. Every couple of months I'll get a phone call from him and we'll meet up for a little bit.
I've been talking with this guy, "P", and "Partyguy" lately and I've come to the realization that I'VE GOT NOTHING TO GIVE. There is nothing there. I've got nothing. How can I possibly start a relationship (?) with someone when I come with nothing? A nice friendship. That's about all I have within reach for anyone right now. I dont have the desire to give any more than that.
I feel bad. "Partyguy" has been trying to get together to finally celebrate Valentine's Day since he had class that night. And I'm not exactly going out of my way to set time aside for him. I know that is extremely rude on my part. I just cant help it. Its not there. I'm tired of going out with him, forcing the smile on my face the entire night...and then getting groped at the end of the night. This voice in my head is just screaming 'Dont freak'n touch me!' He doesnt even know me. I think he knows more about Rebecca then he does about me. Mostly because the walls are up there. With a DO NOT ENTER on every door. I'm just not wanting to let anyone in right now.
Its going to take a very special person. And on so many different levels. Someone that is going to understand that one day I may feel great...then not so great the next day.
Does this make me a horrible person?