Written at 2:45 p.m. on Monday, May. 07, 2007
What the hell is wrong with me? Dont answer that...the list may go on forever. Its like some big hand reached down and slapped me and said, "You need to get things straight again". Straight, hah, what is that?
Why is it that the people that are poison to you are the ones you cant seem to get away from. Or at least, even attempt to avoid. Its like a strange addiction. Yet, the sane stable people send me running...and hiding.
Allow me to back up a little here. I may have left some things out.
Is it possible for me to just be friends with Matt? I cant seem to set things right on that topic. Five years, 5 FREAK'N YEARS, later he finally pulls his head out of his ass. I would love to say its some big epiphany, but I'm not sure.
I do know this. That when things are really bad for me...he's usually the last one standing. Long after I've fallen and given up. Lately, he's been doing everything for me. Okay. maybe not everything, but a lot. For instance, Friday I was freaking out about my finances. I was about to be a little short, 5 dollars to be exact, on rent. I was already upset because my phone and internet had restrictions on them because the bill was past due. After a very short conversation about it, he gave me his credit card to put my phone and internet on...and gave me a hundred dollar bill to get in the bank to cover rent. And on top of it, he handed me money and said, "This is for when you get up early tomorrow to hit the bank...stop and get one of your chai lattes." Then a little later in the day, he stopped and brought me lunch while I was at home doing laundry.
Oh I havent forgotten all of the bad shit between us that has happened. It takes a lot to push it to the side and try to forget it. We're friends. Good friends. And I think that is all it will ever be.
I do have this guy, "T". He's an incredible guy who is stable and just what I need. He keeps talking about when I move in with him...or when we get married. Its a little overwhelming sometimes. This morning I was talking about Becca and he said something about taking notes for when we have kids. WTF! Who said anything about that? Jury is still out on whether I want kids at all.
He is the sweetest guy in the world. He texts me every night to say good night and every morning to say good morning. Doesnt matter if we just talked or not. Its kind of endearing.
I've been putting more time towards Becca. I try to keep her in the forfront of things. It keeps me preoccupied. She's almost 8 months now and getting things ready for Gavin (that's his name). I cant wait until he gets here. I may be more anxious than she is.
So that's where I am at right now. Sifting and sorting through things trying to make sense of it all. When all I want is to step outside of my life for a while instead of being forced to look at it and deal with it all.
I can do this. I know that. Its been hard, but I can do this.