Written at 4:46 p.m. on Thursday, May. 10, 2007
Yesterday was weird. I dont know, maybe its just me.
I had this...moment. It was a moment of clarity so to speak. And I think I set things a little more straight.
I saw a flicker of my past. There was one moment that I saw a piece of what I tried so hard to get away from. A glimpse of the person I wanted so badly to change, but alas never will. It scared me and made me feel my fight or flight instincts. And since I dont have much fight left, it was flight.
So I sat down with Matt last night after this "thing" that happened. Now while I have to admit that this "thing" is no big deal, it just mirrored too many big things that have happened. It just took me out of my comfort zone and threw me back in to too many nights of waiting until the early morning for him to come home. I'm over that. I sat down with him last night and just blurted it out...You know I care deeply about you and love you very much. Whatever this is, is not comfortable for me. Just so we're clear on this...we're friends and I'm seeing other people. This has never been enough for me, I was just able to stomach it better then. I think what it comes down to is that I've just moved on with my life and this would be a huge step back from where I've started. I've come too far.
Its weird because as I'm sitting there talking to him I started thinking about "T" and how I feel as if I'm betraying him by just being in the same room as Matt. Mostly because he doesnt know anything about Matt. We've never talked about him. Which I suspect is probably a good thing.
"T" is a very nice guy. Very mentally, financially and romantically stable. Just all together...together. I like that about him. And everything is Dont worry, we'll take care of it. He doesnt let me make excuses. About anything. Everything has an easy solution. At least he makes it appear easy. And that's what I need right now.
One, of many, of my biggest issues with Matt is he never pushes me. He never pushes me to strive for anything more than what I already have. Never encouraged me would be the better way to put it. I want to be with someone that encourages me. Instead of sitting on the sofa in a stoner's stupor bitching about how I never go for walks or work out to not be so sick, I want to be with someone who wants to take walks with me. And just overall be a positive person in my life.