Latest Archives Profile Notes Guestbook Design D-Land

Here's where it ends...
Written at 12:15 p.m. on Thursday, Oct. 11, 2007

I am so sad and sullen...and I cant seem to put some validity to my feelings lately.

I went last week to the place that used to give me my weekly shot. They are now the ones that ill be administering my monthly infusion therapy. My cousin's wife, Donnie (Donna), went with me. It wasnt as bad as I thought it would be. I was there with another woman with MS who was getting the infusion therapy for the first time too. That made it a little better. I am hoping that this does what I need it to do.

I have also been talking to my grandmother back east. My grandfathere is not doing to well...and all I want is to be back there with them while he is still here. Because noone understands more about appreciating people while they are still here more than me. I never got to say goodbye to my father...and that still eats at me almost 13 years later.

I also got a call from my ex, Curt. It was bitter-sweet to talk to him. Its so hard to talk to him sometimes. Its just a reminder of what I had...and no longer have. It makes me sad for the life I used to have. Talking to him reminds me of how comfortable it is with him. How he just manages too take everything away and makes things simpler. He asked me about Matt (will get to that in a bit). "I always liked him...he seemed like a nice guy." He also made it a point to mention how we didnt make it through any fault of mine or his...it was our age difference. It felt a little better knowing he doesnt fault either one of us for splitting. It was just circumstances.

The other day, I got a call from Monique's sister-in-law asking for my address so she can send me an invitation to Monique's baby shower. WTF? I basically told her that I hadnt talked to Monique in almost three years and that I didnt even know her now. I asked her to ask Monique to call me because I didnt want to just show up at her shower. I figure if someone isnt going to talk to you in three years and they are supposedly your best friend....there is obviously a reason you two arent talking and I didnt want to just show up. But not very surprising to me, she didnt call so that answers it for me...I think.

I talked to my cousin's wife for a long time today. She's a little older and always has the best advice to give when I ask for it. I am having the hardest time dealing with Matt. I've got myself in a situation where he thinks that because I'm not working, I am reliant on him. And if I'm reliant on him in any way, that he can treat me any way he wants. Almost like what can I do to him, I need him. Its not like that though.

I've just come to the realization that I am on my last hope here with this new medication. and if this is ever going to work out, it wont be with him in the picture at all. Becca describes it as...he is a sinking ship and he's trying to take you down with him. donnie sees it as...he's not a sinking ship, but he's on your ship sinking yours...and he's going to wait to jump your ship for whatever other ship he can jump on afterwards.

I am needing to get off of whatever ship and swim to shore. I'm getting a little seasick here.

Its just me...making the same mistke over and over again.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Look at me, I'm not what you need
If you think that I should catch you every time you fall
I have tried, but there's too many places you hide

I didnt want to hurt you...This is gonna hurt you

I dont wanna see you fall, but I cant be holding on
To the same mistakes we always make
And here's where it ends

So tell me that, do you understand
There's no way that we could ever be the same

I didnt want to hurt you...This is gonna hurt you

I dont wanna see you fall, but I cant be holding on
To the same mistakes we always make
And here's where it ends....and here's where it ends

It ends, it ends...for you and me
It ends, it ends, it ends...

So tell me that, do you understand
There's no way that we could ever be the same

And this is gonna hurt you, I never meant to hurt you
Cuz I'm going away

I dont wanna see you fall, but I cant be holding on
To the same mistakes we always make
And here's where it ends....and here's where it ends

Where It Ends
16 Frames


<---|--->