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And it didn't take long to decided...that Earl had to die...
Written at 4:24 p.m. on Monday, Oct. 15, 2007

I am starting to wonder exactly how much of a part Karma is playing in my life. For some reaon lately I've been looking back over my life with much disgust. I always thought that I was a good person and that I was living an honest life...but that might just be denial talking. I've always wondered if my getting MS was a punishment for not being stronger, kinder, or more supportive when my father was diagnosed with the same disease. But then I keep telling myself You were 11 yrs old...still a child...that wouldnt be fair. But if everything happens for a reason...what is my reason? I feel like its because of something I've done...or a compilation of things.

I keep replaying any bad thing I've done over and over again in my head. Like the time in my Senior year of high school that I went out with Denise and this guy she had been dating, Rich...Denise went home alone and I went home with Rich. Or the time I went to a party with my boyfriend at the time, Andy, and his best friend, Todd...Andy went home early and I went home with Todd. Because I knew how much I had hurt the two of them when they found out, I have never done anything like that again. Now what if the moral of the story has been learned by me...but the pennance is not served for the crime? I feel like I am in a 12-step program....but have noone to show remorse to.

Karma is a bitch sometimes. And I wonder if she hasnt caught up with me. Even if it is 15 yrs later. There are no statute of limitations with Karma...everything catches up with you eventually.

I keep having these dreams. And in these dreams there is always someone there telling me how I'm making up for something I did. Last night I had a dream I went on a game show and won a lot of money. Two nights ago I dreamt I had fallen down a flight of stairs. That had to have meant something. Its as if there is a guidance counselor there saying So you want to be a teacher or social worker....sorry, we only have the position of tortured soul available...you seem to fit that one better.

Then there's Johnny. Who keeps finding a way of seeking me out...just to tell me how much of a liar and a pill popper I really am. He seems to think he knows me. And seems to think that since I have a disease that I must be on a lot of meds. Meds that mess with my mind. And for the first time in a VERY long time I am not on any meds...unless Vitamin B and Omega 3's are mind altering in some way that I dont know about. I actually feel clearminded and conscious of things. Its been a long time since I've felt that way. Constantly under a fog of anti-depressants and painkillers, I can see why someone might think that. But to actually say it to my face with a label of "liar" really bothers me. And I'm not even sure what he thinks I am a liar about.

So yeah...MY name is Earl. Or so it seems.

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