Written at 2:15 p.m. on Thursday, Jan. 31, 2008
I feel like I am going to have a nervous breakdown sometimes or something very similar.
I have been feeling better. That is until the last two days. Had a headache for almost a week. I am also getting very frustrated on the whole job search. Beyond frustrated would be more accurate. I keep feeling as if I am hitting a wall. I've got to pull myself together here...I just sometimes dont know how.
I've been thinking alot lately about going back to a therapist. I dont really want to be on meds again, this I know. I keep telling myself that if its bad now, and its been worse before...and I've gotten through it without anything...I can do it again. Right? I just want so desperately to get things back on track again. I'm just not happy and things need to change.
I constantly want to just throw my arms in the air and say F-it...grab my things and go running home. Then I remind myself...what are you running home to...or better yet, WHO? The truth is...noone really.
My family is great and all. They all check in on me often and all, but is that enough. I feel like I dont really have either parent left now. My father has been dead for 13 yrs now...and my mother feels just as distant. She is always sick...doesnt really have much to do with anyone...never calls me to see how I'm doing...just sends and email, that never says more than a joke or a story, every now and then. And I look at my cousins. One especially. Moved back in with his parents...has mental problems from drugs and other stuff. Yet, he has someone to run back to. I dont feel like I do. Not that I need anyone...its just nice to know that someone is there if you do.
I try to talk to Becca about things, but I often feel like she's already tied down with her own stuff. I dont want to be an added mess for her.
Its just been an overwhelming day for me. I have an interview tomorrow and I am so hoping I get something out of this. Just one step in the right direction will be a nice start.