Its like a shock that spun me around and now my heart's dead...I feel so empty and hollow
Written at 4:33 p.m. on Thursday, May. 29, 2008
Ohm good gawd! Someone please tell me that I am not going to live and die here in this little ass apartment. Because it sure feels like I am being swallowed whole.
It sickens me to be here in this place. However, on the other hand, the places to go and the people to see have dwindled to zero. I have just sunk into this hole that is consuming me entirely.
My grandfather passed away the day after Mother's Day. That was, what, the 12th? I still cannot bring myself to call my grandmother because I dont know what I will say. I've been warned that when talking to her, I cannot break down or fall apart. And I just dont know if I can do that. I feel so overwhelmed with emotions that dont even stem from them that I'd break down just from the pressure of it all. But I want to talk to my Grandmother...and know she's ok.
My job sucks. And when I say sucks, I mean it really, really just sucks. I am sure its just me and that it will get better...but seriously, when? I am not a salesperson...never was...dont even pretend to play one on tv. Selling is hard for me. I am not a persistent, pushy person...and selling makes me feel pushy. I belong behind a desk making sure everything is co-ordinated well and things like that. I am an office person. I am meant to push papers...not sell them.
I've also been spending some time with Matt lately. Not too much. Just enough to make me feel inadequate all over again. He says he's living at his mother's right now. I'm not sure hoe much of that I buy but its not my place to question. I just feel like that girl in Hidden Hills all over again. The fat girl that wasnt good enough to be taken out anywhere. So she sat in her little apartment with the guy she could never be with until his beer ran out and he went home to another life. One that just didnt include her. I'd stop hanging out with him...but then I'm just right back where I started in a little apartment alone with two cats.
I try to let my schoolwork keep me busy. It often doesnt occupy enough of my time, but whatever. I'm paying $30,000 for this so I should try to get as much out of it as I can.
At least tomorrow is Friday. Is that a good thing?