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and I'll never have this memory again...
Written at 10:28 pm. on July 6, 2008

Okay, lets see. I still havent gotten Becca to talk to me. Everyone keeps telling me to leave her be and she will come around. Tomorrow is her son's 1st birthday...and I probably wont get to talk to her.

I have been talking to alot of other people tonight. Totally out of the blue, I got a call from Curtis tonight. He called out of nowhere. Its weird because we always seem to feel like no time has passed and we seem to always pick up where we left off. He's always so nice and he always reminds me that there was a relationship that I was in where I wasnt this crazy person. He always makes me feel better after talking to him. He always tells me I am so glad that Matt is out of your life...I always kind of liked him, but I dont anymore. He's the guy I shouldve been with...but I love where we're at now.

I've also been talking to this guy, Colby. He's a really nice guy and we have plans to hang out tomorrow after work. He seems stable...for the most part. Nice job...two houses...a car and a job. Its alot more than a lot of guys I've dated have. I'll set everything aside and clean slate it. I really dont want a boyfiend though...I just want a nice guy friend to hang out with who doesnt expect anything from me.

Which brings me to Jeff. He seems like someone that I have a lot in common with. And we talk for hours. About all kinds of stuff. We always seem to have something to talk about. we've got plans for Wednesday. He said to think about where I want to go and what I want to do. What I'd really like to do is meet him at the lake and have frozen yogurt. Sit by the water and just be. Just sit and talk. And maybe if I feel well enough, walk around a little.

I also want to go up to santa Barbara at the end of the month. There is a home concert that I want to go to every so badly. It gets me out of Orange County for the day. And this is always a very special experience. It will be weird without my little Angel-bear. I'd love her to be there...but Texas is keeping her forever and wont give her back. So from here to Texas I will think of her every second. Only with her do I remember life being great. We did awesome things...and I'll probably miss her forever. Time wounds all heals.

I am determined to get off of this ride and get my life back in order. My aunt is coming next month and has asked me to go to Disneyland with her and my cousin's daughter. It scares me to death...but I cant keep letting my life pass me back. Life is too short, right. Feel bad, feel least I'm feeling something. I've got to get this right again. I miss a life.