Written at 4:50 p.m. on Tuesday, Sept. 23, 2008
I feel like I've been away for so long. And I've had so much to write about, but so much time has passed that its hard to put in to words now...something gets lost in translation. But I will do my best to recap it.
A few weeks ago was my birthday. It was probably the best birthday I've had in a long time. I spent that Friday out at my favorite Indian restaurant with my aunt. I had so much fun. We just talked and enjoyed each other's company. The next night Becca came over and we went out. While we were out, my friend called me. I let him talk to Becca and he ended up meeting up with us. The strange part is that he is someone that I have been talking to for over two years, but had never met. It was kind of odd when he asked me to go for a drive with him to listen to music which ended up on a dark road and him trying to have sex. I just felt like the friendship that we've had for two years just crumbled in one night.
I did go out on a date with one guy who kinda opened my eyes to some things. I was telling him about my friend Jayson telling me "Trac, youre so fun to hang with and you're so easy to talk to talk to...you're like everyone's little friend." I get pigeon-holed as the friend WAY more than I care for. So this guy was telling me that he understands it. He said that I come off as a "goodie-goodie" and someone who hasnt been burned by life and its circumstances, so no guy wants to come along and be the one to burn me. Oh...and he said that I was too nice and that I need to be more rude to people. Needless to say...this guy is never getting another phone call. So let me see if I get this...I'm f'd up because I'm not f'd up enough. Okay, that makes no sense to me. Obviously I am not bitter enough after Matt. Who by the way, gave me a box of cards and a joint for my birthday. Who does that? Is there somewhere that I can exchange this for a pair of earrings or something?
I am trying to be the bigger person and be friends with him but it kills me. It eats me to the very core of my being. It kills me that there is some girl out there thinking that she won blue ribbon when really all she has is a used up douche. And that he got it together enough for her, but I wasnt worth it. I have to shut down and be someone that I am not when he is around. I cant cry and be hurt about all that is in the past. But that is where i keep it...in the past. I pretend he is the person that I met 10 years ago that was this nice guy and that the last 6 yrs never existed. Its my armor and I wear it well.
I was always that girl. The girl who always had to swallow it down and never talk about the hurt or disappointments that I was feeling. I always felt like I had to please people and I couldnt do that if I was telling them my feelings. Like my feelings never really mattered. I see that I do that alot. Always the people-pleaser. Too afraid to rock the boat that I stifle myself in the process. Even my mother laughs about it to this day..."As a kid, I could tell you to sit right here and you would sit RIGHT HERE until you were told to move." I guess I've just always thought this way. I just brush it all off. I think complacent is the word.
I guess in this life-long process of learning about ourselves we are going to come across things we dont like about ourselves or things we arent too proud of. And we just take the lesson we've learned and move on with it in our back pocket.
I know there was more to say...somehow it just slipped away from me.