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Written at 5:02 p.m. on Tuesday, Oct. 21, 2008

I had to literally stop was I doing just now to hurry to my computer and make an entry. Today has been the weirdest day for me...not good, not bad...just different.

About a week ago, I got an email from a guy that I went to high school with. He found me and sent me an email that just said, "How did you get all the way out to California?" And it said his name. Very common, but not usual as the same time. I wrote him back and gave him my numbers so we could talk. Today we started texting and sharing pics. Sure enough, it was who I thought it was.

Back in high school, we were always together. Where you found one of us, you always would find the other. We were never a couple and had never dated. Just best friends. He was the token fat guy...and I was the token fat girl. We just understood each other like that. We had this special relationship and I dont think I trusted anyone more than him in high school. We always watched out for each other. When his mom sent him away to a hospital, he would still collect call me every day. When we were down at Nicodemus bridge partying, he was always the one making sure that I didnt drink too much and if I did, he was always there to take care of me. We were better than any couple. Yet, we never were.

Today when we were talking, he said "I hope you know that you were always my favorite." And we were talking about who we were then and who we are now. I was telling him about the "always being everyone's little friend and noone's girlfriend". I was telling him how then I was always friends with everyone, but I never had a boyfriend. He said, "You were always a good girl". He told me that he always had a crush on me. I told him that I didnt see it. He said, "How could you not see it...I was with you every day. Every day I would sit out on your porch." Looking back, I see it now.

It was so different talking to him today. I was asking him how everyone turned out. it was so sad to here. One guy went to jail for murder...and another one got hooked on crack...and another one was found dead with a needle sticking out of his arm. When I hung up the phone, it hit me like a ton of bricks. I was the one who made it! I wanted to be like all the cool people...and look where they're at now. I dont mean that in a conceited way at all. When he asked me why I left, all I could say was that I knew where I was headed and if I didnt get was not going to turn out nice. I was white trash. In my area, you were either black...or Jewish. Then there was that small demographic that was neither. And that is where I fell. I was I fell into a seperate category. Not accepted by either really. And it was a small category, so you didnt have alot of people in it with you.

I also understand why even now, I have more guy friends than girls. When we were talking, he would mention one of his guy friends. Then I would think, "Yeah, I know him...I was good friends with his sister...oh, wait...then for some reason we had something happen". The thing was this...I often had a lot of girl friends. If I was friends with "A" and "B", who were good friends, and for some reason they stopped being friends...I would still want to be friends with both of them. And I just remember how "A" and her new friends would act if I was out with "B" and vice versa. I was the girl who wanted to be friends with everyone. I also remember there was a point where I came to reason and thought, "Girls are catty...I'd rather hang with boys." So I did. They didnt argue over stupid shit. So there I was...every guys' friend...and noone's girlfriend. Makes sense now.

It was just so strange talking with him today. It was awesome.